Yes, this is a pep talk for myself. It won’t be the last.

Well, I felt great Monday, and then promptly came down with some kind of flu that seems to be going around Tuesday morning, and ended up feeling even more terrible than the week before. Finally, today I am less zombie-like (BRAAAAAINS!), though it's certainly left my stomach all achy and unhappy.

Tuesday morning when the bug first hit me and then Thursday night were when I felt the absolute most terrible. Tuesday I woke up with a sore throat and asthma, which I chalked up to allergies. But it became glaringly apparent that it was more than that, and I had to make a mad dash home from work because I felt like I was on the brink of throwing up all through a client meeting. Thursday night was probably the worst though, and it took very many kind and supportive words from a friend to bring me back from the brink of complete desperation.

I woke up this morning after an epic sleep last night finally feeling less horrible, and managed to get my laundry done (WIN!). Then I spent the better part of today working, which is not really normal for me (being a big fan of boundaries, ie. weekends), but was happy to do it. Partly because I didn't get a lot done last week only working a bit from home, partly cause I enjoy the work, and mostly because I still felt too yucky to go out and do anything remotely fun and it kept me busy.

I think I need to try harder when in the pits of stomach ache induced despair to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, so I don't just lose my mind dwelling on how angry and sad I am that I feel like crap most of the time. And what a constant struggle it is pushing through pain and discomfort every day just to do "normal" things. If I'm honest, I totally envy people who just feel fine all the time, I can't imagine what it would be like. I could do ANYTHING and everything. I sometimes resent perfectly healthy people who don't take advantage of what a gift good health truly is. Sure, I get phases where I feel better than this, but it has never lasted, and life certainly isn't going to wait for my perpetual stomach ache to go away. And heck, I'm not willing to let life pass my by because of it either.

The things I have been trying to focus on to stay positive are:

1. How lucky I am to have friends who can tolerate me at my absolute worst, and still love me through it. (Even if some of them are really far away, at least that means they are up at freakish hours of the night to chat with when I am nauseous and can't sleep.)
2. How lucky I am to have a home, food and water, and all the luxuries that I enjoy. (The photos of the mayhem in Haiti and down in Peru really hit that one home, never mind the many homeless people I encounter on a daily basis who are perpetually cold and damp and hungry.)
3. My bravery in making plans to do things that I know I will enjoy, but will be incredibly challenging, especially if I'm not feeling my best. Traveling, conferences, and taking responsibility in my job and for important Drupal community work are what most come to mind. Of course, realizing that if I do feel terrible, I can cancel on things and the world will not end has helped me feel more comfortable with these sorts of things. But I do more than a lot of people who have it easier than me.
4. How lucky I am, despite having the physical challenges I do, and the resulting mental challenges that come along with, to be an extremely competent person. The combination of book smarts, street smarts, natural empathy, and genuine love of helping people and seeing through challenging projects, is something I absolutely do not take for granted. And despite having some definite unluckiness in the physical department, I am hugely effective at getting things done. I don't let it be an excuse for not pushing myself, or doing my part. And it's so easy to find excuses for such things, and not care.

Sure, I don't have everything in balance all the time, and I don't have all the answers. But that despite consistently feeling like crap for virtually my entire life, I have managed to get a Masters degree, reinvent myself career-wise, be a generally nice, well adjusted, and well-liked person, excel in said career beyond any of my expectations, live on my own far from my parents for the better part of the last eleven and a half years, and be a productive member of society largely on my own terms... well, to me these are some big accomplishments.