What a freaking roller coaster the past few weeks have been. Work has been super intense, though much calmer this last week, but I'm still really happy with how everything's going. Scott is getting ready to leave town in a couple weeks, which is totally starting to freak me out a little! And going back to counseling has gotten me thinking about all sorts of things that I had shelved just to keep trucking along until I had the time and energy to deal with them. Fun, fun. Election Day came and went, with the somewhat predictable disappointment I was hoping to avoid. The leaves have turned, and I'm starting to figure out Christmas plans, it's crazy how quickly a year can pass. Something really disappointing happened last week. I was afraid I might fall apart, but the thing is it didn't derail me the way I expected it to. I don't think I really realized it, but sometimes I forget how much stronger I've become, and it took that to remind me. I thought it would make me feel more jaded, but instead I feel okay letting go of the expectations I had. I feel strong enough to allow myself to feel what I feel, and to believe that if I am patient, and strong, and willing to open up my hands and let go that when the time is right, they will be open and ready to catch and hold something truly precious.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it's letting go. -- Herman Hesse
I've had a lot of people commend me for writing about such personal things here, but the truth is that I never go more than just below the surface, always staying at a safe depth so that if I get too scared, I can easily come back to safety. I have been reading some of Dave O's poetry and decided to challenge myself to start sharing some of my own writing, and maybe someday I'll work up to sharing more of my art and songs. It's really hard for me to expose myself like this; a lot of it is so personal. But I don't want to feel embarrassed about my feelings, I want to own them, and be proud of who I am and what I feel, no matter how vulnerable. So here goes nothing.
I don't want to catch you like this, With so much heavy time on your back. With so much apprehension filling your sweet skin. With you.
You. Still. Falling so fast.
If somehow I managed to grab on Tight enough, And not let you slip through my fingers...
Like wet sand in salt water, So cold it burns.
Would you land in my arms as soft as fall leaves? Or would you hit me like a boulder? And leave me...
I fear I can only be put back together So many times Before everyone can see.
And I am too weathered To ever be desired.