Aka. Revised goal: finding the balance between yes and no.
So, last Thursday, I read my blog post "Practicing yes." at the pre-conference dinner. It was an(other) exercise in trying to get comfortable with public speaking, and actually went relatively well--thanks to everyone who cheered me on!
I was really surprised at the amount of feedback and support I got from the post and reading it at the conference. I guess it hit home with a lot of people who have been feeling like they need to push themselves harder to overcome what is holding them back. Lloyd (Saying yes to myself) is one of those people I know enough to say hi to, cause I see him around, but don't really know anything about, and now I feel like I know a little more about him. I've found that with several people who have come up to me, or linked to my blog, and now I know we share a common goal.
But my new challenge is to find the balance between challenging myself and self-care. For example Derek (Learning to say no) is being forced to take care of himself a little (lot!) more, but I think I could learn a thing or two from his practicality about it... I know a lot of other people have been working on scaling back their commitments and simplifying/streamlining their lives as well, out of choice more than necessity.
It's such a fine balance, and I have been having a really difficult time figuring out how to push myself without crossing the line and burning myself out. I don't know if I caught some kind of a bug, as "god" knows everyone and their dog is sick right now, or if it was the combined stress and overdoing it last week/weekend on top of a very busy month. Whatever it was, I've been really sick all week, and can't seem to shake it. My stomach started acting up about a week ago, and it just hasn't let up. Plus I had some really bad sleeps, and the combination of the two have made me incredibly exhausted, and also incapable of digesting anything more solid than gross gluey vegan pudding.
I was trying to power through the week and somehow try and not be a total disaster by Saturday when I fly out for DrupalCon, but I had forgotten one small detail.
Apparently, I am not Superwoman.
Which one of my lovely bosses promptly reminded me yesterday, when she suggested I might be better off not at work.
I can't pinpoint the moment when I started being so afraid of disappointing people and letting others down, but I have somehow lost all perspective as to when I need to step it up an when I need to scale back and put myself first. But it seems that life has a way of smacking some sense back into you in these kinds of situations, and so I'm trying to listen to it.
On Tuesday, I had already canceled my last weight training session (I only made it to one, luckily the group trainer is going to let me sit in on her next round of sessions if I want), and told one of my old girlfriends from university that I wasn't going to make it to her wedding (in a really difficult place to get to) later in the year. Yesterday, I bailed on a birthday party for Friday and Drupal meetup (tonight). Today, I decided to go for broke and am sitting out the DrupalCamp planning meeting, and another *secret* alpha testing party...
And you know what? Saturday when I am (with any luck) on my way out east, the world will still be turning. Not that nobody will have missed me, and not that I won't miss being at all these things, but really, in the great scheme of things, it's not going to matter that I cleared my calendar for the end of the week and stayed home to take naps and read books on the couch.
So far, the tiredness seems to be under control, but my stomach is still killing me! I'm starving, but it just won't process food properly, which is incredibly frustrating! I just ate a bunch of potato, which might seem like bland goo, but is a step up from all the bland goo I've been subsisting on the last many days...wish my intestines luck.
The plan for the next couple days: tonight--couching and possibly watching many episodes of My So-Called Life on DVD. Tomorrow--packing and buying food to bring on the trip. Possibly trying to pre-adjust to the time difference so that I might actually make it to the first session on Monday.
But I think at this point I should probably just deal with one day at a time...