Random blather

And.... the busiest of months has come to an end. Exhales.

October was a great if not overbooked month. Between BarCamp Vancouver, the Drupal 7 Conrib Sprint, and the big PNW Drupal Summit in Seattle last weekend, I had only one weekend off the entire month (on which there was also Drupal Camp Portland, but I decided that would be pushing it).  I made up for the past month in a big way this weekend, going out to socialize only once (last night for Halloween), sleeping in till 10am both mornings, doing laundry, cleaning my bathroom, cooking, reading, chatting with my folks on the phone, and generally being a homebody.

The PNW Drupal Summit in Seattle last weekend was something I'd been looking forward to for quite a while. My coworker Shawn and I drove down a day early, and Shiraz (another one of our coworkers who lives on the island) took the ferry over and met us that night. We managed to do a little exploring of the Pioneer Square area Friday, where I bought a bunch of cool books, and drove through Capitol Hill and up the waterfront before tiring out and going back to the hotel for naps. Everyone else arrived by bus or train Friday night; we had quite the crew amassed over the weekend, with 5 people from AB, 2 others who have been doing contract work with us, and then my friend Katherine who works at another company and has been a conference roomie before.

It was great catching up with the Seattle crew, as well as lots of people who I'd met at previous Camps and Cons, and also getting to know some new people. It's such a great group, I never tire of hanging out with everyone from the PNW plus a few others who came in from Idaho, and even Montana.  I learned a few new things including, a new (to me) tool for managing content deployment using Deploy module [slides/vid here], and my Agile project management/development BOF was actually one of the highlights of the weekend for me. It was well attended, and there were some really great conversations and sharing of experiences from other PM's and devs who have been (or want to start) using Agile methods. I think that the session may have been videotaped, and am crossing my fingers that footage will surface at some point! Thanks again a million to the great Drupallers in Seattle for all their hard work making that come together.

To abruptly change topics, I got this crazy white pumpkin to carve last night (the photo Rachael took really shows how white it was); I thought it was some strange tough inedible gourd, but it really was this fantastic pumpkin. Probably some kind of heirloom variety, as it had not had all the amazing squash-iness bred out of it. Very thick and meaty, huge seeds, and so orange inside that my hands were completely stained after I was done.  Rachael and Boris used some of it for soup, so I am hoping that it was as tasty as it was entertaining (I hate to waste them, even if they are just grown to be decorative veggies).  It was a quiet Halloween, but I think that's ok. I am up for some quiet times.

ps. For the record, I still think daylight savings is bunk. Saskatchewan has it right (disclaimer: I am biased).

pps. People I know are raising money for cancer research, and you should donate!

• Jo Biggar (my friend's brother) is going to cut off his amazing dreadlocks, which he's been growing for nearly a decade to reach his goal of raising $10,000 - he's over 2/3 to his goal, so help him out!
• Also today marks the first day of Movember (ie. the month where boys grow 'staches to raise money for prostate cancer), and my coworker Shawn is participating - you can pledge on his mo growing here (if the link doesn't work, go to http://ca.movember.com/ and search for "Shawn Price").

This blog post comes to you in two parts: 1) Drupal 2) Everything else

Drupal7 Codesprint

This weekend was the Drupal7 Contrib Upgrade Sprint that Károly Négyesi (aka chx) organized at the NowPublic offices. I spent a good part of yesterday there, helped out with coaching the one beginner who turned up to learn some of the tools for helping out in the community.  Otherwise, after a bit of a rough start, the devs all hunkered down and have been making some Drupal magic, upgrading super important things like Views, Panels, database stuff, and various other bits and pieces of modules and themes.

A good number of people came in from out of town and they've all been working  their butts off.  Sam Boyer came in from Chicago and was working on panels, Jakob Perry was up from Bellingham (I think?) and was working with some others to get Coder module functional for D7. David Strauss was in from Austin, TX, and I think he was working on some DBTNG stuff (?), and Josh Brauer came up from Idaho and Amye Scavarda (who I'd met at the Project Management BOF in DC) was in from Portland as well... I lost track what everyone was doing (and ended up staying home today thanks to a tummyache) but trust me you want to thank your lucky starts there are all these amazing dedicated people around.

Highfives to all the Vancouverites who came out and helped and showed their support! Rick, Dale, Katherine, Francis, Hubert, Richard, Catherine, and a brave "newb" (more new to the community than new to development) Chris.  And also to the others who joined remotely, Damien Tournoud, Dmitri G., Larry Garfield, Daniel Wehne, and Mike Prasuhn spent the better part of their weekends helping out from their respective homes.  I'm sure others stopped in that I missed, but I just feel like it's the least I can do to say a collective thanks to everyone who spends so much of their time and energy keeping this ship afloat.  Open source communities are a pretty amazing thing when you think about it, it just gives me the warm fuzzies.

Everything Else

Had a great Thanksgiving dinner last weekend, with a few friends and a lot of strangers out in East Van.  Makes me happy knowing the kinds of people in my life are the kind where a mish-mash of their friends can turn up at a dinner party, many who know only one or two people there, and chit chat all evening and have a great time. There were several people who worked in urban planning, resource management, non-profits, tech, and social media, so there was a lot of really passionate, interesting conversations.

I've been on holiday this past week, recharging in order to get through the end of the month, October has been crazy packed full of tech events... the final one being the Pacific Northwest Drupal Summit which is in Seattle at the end of the month.  I'm excited and trying to keep my energy up so I don't totally burn out before getting through it!  One of my coworkers gave me some advice recently about prioritizing and energy levels, suggesting that maybe I ought to be a little more selfish (in a taking care of my self way, not a being a jerk way) about my priorities and not overdo it when it comes to extracurricular (ie. non-work) commitments.

That is a really hard thing for me to accept, there is so much that I want to do all of the time, and the reality is that I never have enough energy, and that is quite likely not going to change.  I realize maybe I haven't quite struck the optimal balance yet, but I can say with relative certainty that my life is always going to involve pushing myself, since I'm not willing to give up doing the things that keep me happy and keep me feeling motivated. It's more of refining exactly how much I can and should push myself so that I still get to do stuff that I want to, but don't feel totally drained all the time.  It sounds easy enough, but as anyone who deals with ongoing health challenges knows, it's not just that simple.

 I've no idea what I am talking about.  I'm trapped in this body and can't get out.
- Radiohead "Bodysnatchers"

I'd love to hear how you all balance your personal/health needs with your work and extracurricular passions if you feel like giving a little feedback.

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6

My gosh, I don't know if things are actually really crazy right now, or if I'm just burnt out and tired of my stomach giving me grief.  Whatever is going on, I know I have been feeling super stressed and scattered, and crazy exhausted.  Sucks, cause I use all my energy up on work and then spend my Friday nights watching The Wedge (aka. one of the two only good shows left on MuchMusic - the other is Going Coastal) and knitting.  Granted, there are worse things in the world, but I'd frankly rather be out hanging with some lovely people!

Things have actually been busy though, I feel like work has been busy and my weekends have been packed, so I guess I do need some downtime - I just wish I was one of those super energetic people who could do it all.

I know I need to be putting some more energy into self care in the exercise department, it's tough when I have a stomach ache all the time, but it is no good for me when I'm working on the computer all the time and then not exercising much (especially when my massage therapist is away!) Makes for much hurtiness.

Anyway, scraping together some scraps of positivity for the week:

1. Bought some new t-shirts from Threadless
2. Dahlias
3. Umair Haque's great writing 
4. This ridiculous photo of Kara's dog stuck in the sleeve of a sweatshirt
5. Intestine socks (see above)
6. Zoe being hilarious
7. Rain
8. Marbled halvah [Wikipedia]

I don't write too much about dating on here, because lets face it, Vancouver is a small city and everyone knows everyone, and that could just get awkward.  But this is a pretty meta post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

I am done with "dating".

There, I said it.  I've been single for the most part for the last 2.5 years, and at this point I've had my fair share of awkward first dates, and awkward few week to few month long "relationships."  Granted, probably the first 1.5 years of that was that sort of messed up dating where I was still working through everything from the previous relationship and finding myself again.  But the last year and a bit, I have really been in a frame of mind where if I met someone who was also in that place, and we hit it off I could actually see myself being ready for it.

That hasn't happened yet, but in the meantime, I have been meeting new people, testing the waters of what I would call "dating" and keeping an open mind when it comes to different types of people.  Though there have been some great people that I've met, obviously nothing has gotten more serious to a point where I would say someone was actually my "partner" (ugh all these labels are so awkward!).

Anyway, I started feeling like it was just me, that I sucked at dating.  I mean, really this is the first time I've dated to any extent, but it really does feel different than navigating meeting people while in university for instance.  And I started to think about why, and I realized it wasn't me, but dating that sucked!

In school, I feel like because there was such a social vibe all of the time, it was easy to get to know people in a more casual or "friend" context, and actually get a good feel for their personality before even getting to the point where you would consider getting involved on a serious romantic level.  But when I found myself single, in my mid-twenties, living downtown, and working at a small company where I didn't meet a lot of new people, the dynamic was all of a sudden different.

I actually had to put some effort into it if I wanted to stay in touch with new acquaintances or meet people who were outside of my circle of friends.  And it seemed like "dating" was more grown up - that's what you are supposed to do when you're an "adult" right?

But this whole time it just hasn't sat quite right with me.  It has seemed like there is so much pressure, so many expectations, so much miscommunication, so many labels that I haven't been comfortable with.

Then this weekend, a wise friend was the catalyst to my epiphany, which had been brewing for a few weeks but just not quite solidified: I don't believe in "dating."  It doesn't make sense in my world.

There is a reason I used to feel more comfortable getting to know people in school, and why the people I did spend time with were more upfront, honest, and easier to understand.  Why there weren't the same sort of labels, expectations, and assumptions about what spending time together meant.

It was because the first question was always, do I want this person to be my friend?

Friends first sounds cheesy, and can also sound like a lot of effort, but that really is what works.  I want to be able to figure out what someone's about without the pressure of whether or not we're a couple, without having to factor in anyone's expectations of what role their girlfriend is going to fill, and what kind of timeline things will run on.

I'm not saying I'm against having anything physical go on during this getting to know process, and everyone has their own comfort levels and boundaries.  But for me this means not jumping to conclusions: snuggling does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Seeing you a couple times a week does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Calling just to say hi and see how your week was does not = I'm your girlfriend.

For me, that slippery slope of spending time with someone and all of a sudden having to label yourself, so that there is an obvious way you fit into someone's life, is a danger zone.  I believe that it should be a conscious decision, the choice to get into an actual serious, committed "relationship" with someone. And that it shouldn't be done hastily of half-heartedly.

And so, regardless of how grown-up and proper dating is, I am over it.  It doesn't work for me.  It leads to mixed messages, and pressure, and awkwardness.

All I want to do is spend time getting to know people I think are cool, and who feel the same way about me, and if we keep feeling that way once we actually have a grasp on who each other are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then we can talk about what role we want to have in each others' lives.

The labels, I can take em or leave em.  Actions speak louder than words, and they don't mean jack to me.

Sayonara "dating," good riddance to you, I am movin on.

No, not my doorbell and when you're gonna ring it.  I've been thinking about forgiveness.  I've been told that I forgive people too easily.  Usually it's not really framed as a compliment, but more surprise or questioned.  And it's true, I do forgive people easily...especially for the smaller offenses. Especially if they acknowledge in some way that they realize they did something stupid.  This can be anything from a sheepish tone to actually saying sorry.  As long as I feel like it's sincere, that's all it takes.  Often the offense is the symptom of a much deeper problem on their side anyway, and they have to live with whatever that is every day.

I forgive you for what you did to me, but how can I forgive you for what you did to yourself?
- Friedrich Nietzsche 

I think the main reason that I do this is certainly not out of fear of confrontation or because I don't care, but because I would sooner make up and get over it than drag it out.  Resentment is a waste of energy and I don't like to bring unnecessary negativity into my life.  You can't control how people think and act, and you can't make decisions for others, all you can do is tell them how you feel about their actions and hope that your words have an impact on them.  If someone really didn't mean to do whatever it was or regrets their actions, then great, learn from it and let's all move on.

Resentment is like a glass of poison that a man drinks; then he sits down and waits for his enemy to die. - Unknown

People make mistakes.  They misjudge.  They take the easy way out.  And sometimes it goes deeper than that.  People act on their own self doubt and lack of self-acceptance.  They manifest negative outcomes by assuming that positive outcomes are impossible.

Men will lie on their backs, talking about the fall of man, and never make an effort to get up. - Henry David Thoreau

To me, choosing not to forgive someone who obviously regrets their mistakes is the easy way out.  It means not having to come to terms with someone disappointing you.  It means you can feel superior and judge them.  It means not having to dig deeper and figure out why someone does or says something that you disagree with.  And I truly believe that an inability to forgive others is rooted in an inability to forgive and have compassion for ourselves.

It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. - Jessamyn West

But if you think about it, is there anything positive that comes out of not forgiving? I'm not saying that there's not a motivation to hold on to resentment, of course there are many.  But they are not reasons that help you along the path towards being a more compassionate and positive person.

 It is his capacity for self-improvement and self-redemption which most distinguishes man from the mere brute. - Aung San Suu Kyi

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. - Lewis B. Smedes

Hate is a horrible feeling, and resentment can overcome you.  To forgive someone, you have to dig deep and figure out a way to care about someone who has wronged you, and to have compassion for them.  To care more about their growth and peace than your own ego.

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person. - Tennessee Williams

Forgiveness breaks the chain of causality because he who forgives you -  out of love - takes upon himself the consequences of what you have done. Forgiveness, therefore, always entails a sacrifice. - Dag Hammarskjold 

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi 

Finding a way to let go of resentment is truly freeing.  It puts you in control of your interpretations and emotions surrounding situations that you have no control over.  Choosing compassion over resentment frees up space in your life for more good to come in.

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. - Lewis B. Smedes 

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. - Jalal ad-Din Rumi

The thing is, we're all human.  Humans are full of faults.  Sure, pick good people to surround yourself with, pick the best.  But even the best will let you down at some point, and if you cannot learn to forgive them, you will eventually find yourself very lonely.

The offender never pardons. - George Herbert

If one by one we counted people out
For the least sin, it wouldn't take us long
To get so we had no one left to live with.
For to be social is to be forgiving.
- Robert Frost

I'm not saying I've forgiven everyone who has wronged me in my life, nor that they deserve it.  But I know that resentment and hate are poisonous, and I want to strive to banish them from my life.  The only way that I have been able to do this is through cultivating compassion, trying to look at people as individuals, and letting go of expectations.  Expectations and taking people's behaviours as personal assaults (when they are not directed toward you) are just a recipe for disappointment and distance.

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength. - August Wilson

Letting go of resentment can be incredibly challenging, but it is a freedom more satisfying than holding on to it could ever be.  Be strong and challenge yourself to be compassionate.  Forgive yourself and others, and love will follow.