Random blather

Big decisions are still a struggle for me. I've become a competent and fairly confident decision maker in my work life. But decisions to do with my personal life have long been something I have had a difficult time with.

When I was growing up, I was often told that I was making bad or risky decisions. My young mind did not yet know to interpret this as a mere opinion, and set to agonizing over every decision large or small. I spent most of my life doubting my instincts and experiences as being reliable in guiding my judgement. It was only when I was in grad school, having anxiety attacks, and feeling pretty miserable about life that I first went to counseling, and through it found some perspective on this.

This is not to say that I've been fully cured of my decision-making struggles, but I can say that I have a lot more faith in my ability to make decisions that are solid and well thought out, and that I can deal with the consequences of any decisions that aren't great ones. 

Despite getting over this hurdle for the most part, which has helped me take charge of my course in life, and feel empowered, I still struggle with the really big decisions. The kind that will have a huge and lasting impact on my life and my well being.

A few weeks back, faced with having to make a big decision (whether to take the plunge and rent a new place in East Van that I'd looked at) in a short amount of time (overnight), I felt my old big decision paralysis coming back. 

Out of curiosity, I Googled "How to make a big decision" to see what wisdoms the internets had to offer.

Left Brain Decision Making

The first useful hit was a post on Lifehacker "Geek to Live: Four ways to make a big decision". Lists and weighted grids abounded:

The PMI (Plus/Minus/Implication) method includes weights for pros and cons and adds an implications column. A possible implication counts as an interesting point to consider, ie, if I get this particularly vocal dog who I love anyway, she might bark all night and keep me awake.

I worked through a pro and con list about the place I had been offered. I stared at it. It was clearly middle ground. The weighted tables in the post made my brain hurt. This was clearly not helping me feel less cornered and panicked about the task at hand. I moved along.

Right brain decision making.

I came upon a video interview with Stephen Fry on the topic. If the Lifehacker article was totally focused on a left brain analogy, his approach was its antithesis:

I would always say...I think feelings always have primacy... So, it's really that problem I've mentioned before, and one that you run up against all the time in life...identifying your own feelings. It's so odd, you'd think you'd be able to more easily [identify what you feel] than identify what you know...what am I really feeling?

Ok, this was helping me get somewhere. Because, of course, my evaluation of the decision was blatantly irrational (despite my thinking I was being so pragmatic about it). I was worried about the cost, not because I couldn't afford it, but because I felt some mixture of guilt/not deserving it/not wanting to appear spoiled/not being grown up enough to have a real, grown-up home. And I was worried about it being too much for just one person.

Well what the fuck is that about?! Like it or not, I am (kinda?) a grown up, and there's no real reason I shouldn't live in a grown up place with functioning appliances, space and storage, and quiet surroundings. It was in the area I wanted, it fit nearly all my criteria (far more than any of the other places I'd looked at). Why would I even considering not taking a place because I thought it was too nice?

Good enough doesn't equal best choice

After reading through this post from the Association for Psychological Science's "We're Only Human" blog I found it started making more sense. To my equal pleasure and dismay, one of my favourite concepts from human geography was playing itself out right in front of me. I am a satisficer at heart. (More about satisficers vs. maximizers on the Happiness Project site.) It's the reason why I never get rid of appliances or technological gadgets till they actually die beyond any hope of salvation, and the reason why I am fine with less than I ideally want or am able to have. There are good and bad points to either side of the spectrum, but this definitely shed some light on that one. Having been living the student life for many years, I was so used to just having whatever was good enough, that considering having more than that felt very awkward. That was about as far down the road of investigating how my feelings were interfering as I wanted to go, but that didn't really answer the question of whether I actually ought to take this specific place.

Practical advice that respects feelings and logic

Finally, I found three fantastic posts on a blog (that is actually full of inspiring posts, but sadly seems to be no longer actively written). The first post is about visualizing the outcome of the decision, which sounds a little cheesy and obvious, but was actually challenging for me. It helped me investigate more of the "feeling" side of how the decision might play out, and trust my gut. In my imagination, visualizing living in this new place felt exciting but also peaceful, and more supportive of my needs (having things like a dishwasher and insuite laundry, space to accommodate visitors, and being nearby to good friends as well as shops and transit). But imagining it also felt... a bit empty, as the place is pretty spacious, and I might feel a bit lonely being there all by myself. 

Having lived alone several times, and currently for almost 3.5 years in this place, I am very used to being on my own so this was strange to me. I haven't really wanted to go back to living with roommates because let's face it, I like my own space, messy and/or loud people annoy me, I don't want just anyone sharing my home. So I thought about options here. After a few calls and skype chats, I had myself set up with part time roommates (good friends who live in the city part time) and some additional houseguests (of the parental variety) that will hopefully come fill up my new home for some months of the year. Best of both worlds.

Reading the final two posts on the Gimme Bliss site clinched it. The 2nd on living with your decisions and even moreso, the 3rd on committing to a decision were eye opening for me. Sure, I agonize before making a decision, but like the author's friend in the 3rd post, I tend to keep agonizing over whether I've made the best decision long into the future. All that does is cause unnecessary stress, as unless I'm actually going to go back on the decision, there's nothing to be done about it! So, I resolved to commit to this decision whichever way it went, and use it as practice for committing wholeheartedly to future decisions as well. When it came down to it, there was no right or wrong decision, just a choice I needed to commit to:

You might think...that to really commit to a big decision that you'd have to be 100 percent sure, or at least more than 90 percent certain. Ironically, I don't think certainty plays into whether a decision will stick or not.

As with so many of the most important things about this human existence, making a decision that works comes down to faith.

So many people, it seems to me, lack this ability. And I'm not talking about the ability to believe in a higher power, either. I mean the ability to put aside hesitancy and simply leap. To believe whole-heartedly that this is your path that you've chosen and you're gonna stick with it.

Then because I wasn't about to totally change something so ingrained in a matter of a few hours, I slept on it, just to be sure. 

The verdict

The next morning, I woke up and I knew. This place was more than I'd hoped for, and this was not a bad thing! The neighbourhood I was hoping for, lots of space, a dishwasher!!!!!!, and I could get the move over and done with before the end of the summer (and before I was driven crazy by the next phase of construction in my building, which involves lots of concrete drilling). That afternoon, I signed the lease. 

It will be tough saying goodbye to the West End and the ocean view I have grown to love, but this place has served me well through a really big transition in my life, and I am ready for the next chapter and a (quite literal) change of scenery. Whatever adventures come with my move, I'll do my best to embrace the change with conviction.

The Backstory

(Note: Some of this first half will be redundant if you're a regular reader.) Somewhere in the midst of being cooped up at home sick for weeks on end this spring, something in me clicked. I stopped caring about not being able to do it all. I don't know if it's so much giving in, or self preservation, or just not needing to beat myself up for things I can't change. Maybe it was survival instinct, or maybe it was being forced to accept the reality of my energy and wellness levels. I'm sure a question my counselor asked me a while back got this all circulating in the back of my mind: "What would happen if you didn't do everything that you want, what then?" My answer at the time: "I feel like if I had to give up doing all these things, that I would cease to exist."

I know, ridiculous. And yet, honest. Of course, if my worst fears came true and I was too sick to do most of the things that make up my current life, somehow I'd adapt. But deep down, I feel like I wouldn't be me without these things.

This particular question had been posed to me during the aftermath flareup of my February evil stomach bug. Prior to getting the flu with cough of doom in April (I know I'm not the only unfortunate soul who got this awful thing and was really ill) and subsequently experiencing two weeks of being more debilitated than I think I'd ever been before. Altogether I lost 8 lbs in 3 months (which was roughly 9% of my bodyweight). This question was posed in the context of going to DrupalCon San Francisco at the end of April, which I was wondering if I should go to at all, even before the cough of doom hit.

After having this question posed to me, I shelved it in the back of my brain, refusing to *really* answer it. As soon as I was starting to feel better, I decided on a whim to fly down to Portland for a long weekend to visit with my cousin, and some other friends there. By the time I woke up the day after arriving, I was feeling really awful, but I chalked it up to a bad sleep at first... By the next day, I was feeling incredibly horrible, and was in no state to fly, but it seemed there wasn't really a way out of it (luckily it was a short flight back home). By the time my uncle had picked me up at the airport and gotten me home, my throat was killing me and I was getting a fever.

And thus commenced the worst flu and cough I think I've ever had. My mom actually ended up coming out and staying with me; I was literally in bed for a solid 10 days, and spent another 5 or so not going anywhere beyond the corner store. My mom went back to Saskatchewan at about that 10 day mark. The 2 week in mark was when I was supposed to go down to SF a few days early, to sight see then go to the Core Dev Summit. At this point I was just starting to feel better, but was still really not well, so I postponed my ticket down a few extra days (with the help of a fellow Drupalcon-goer), as I'd had no voice for about 5 days by then and couldn't even call the airline myself). 

The day before my new departure day, I still didn't feel very well, but I packed anyway. I decided I'd call it in the morning. And to my surprise, I woke up the next day, finally feeling a bit better. So I decided to go for it, I figured I'd go to the airport, and if I still felt ok, I'd check in and get on a plane. And if once I got to SF I felt ok enough, *then* I'd deal with going to the actual conference. One step at a time, even if all I did was rest for a week at the house that I'd rented for a group of us, that'd still be better than not going at all.

With this one step at a time, "anything is enough" mentality, I made my way through the week. I slept in every day, packed some food, and then went to the conference for a few hours. Then I'd come home, nap, have dinner, and hang out at the house with whoever was around. I didn't do a single full day. I didn't go out any of the evenings. I took cabs the entire week instead of riding the streetcar. I didn't really see much of the city, other than the two blocks around the house, and wherever the cabs went.

But did I enjoy myself? Yes.

Did I make myself sicker by going? No.

By the time I left, I felt a ton better than when I'd first gotten there. Despite really only attending a tiny amount of the conference, I managed to catch up with everyone I wanted to at least once. I managed to get to a bit of the Docs sprint and a few BOFs. I got to record a Drupal Voices podcast! I had tons of fun hanging out with my housemates. Sure there were a few moments where I was pretty run down. But overall, it was a positive experience, I didn't feel any worse at the end of it, and I was thrilled I had been able to attend at all, all things considered.

Not doing all of it as intensively as I'd planned to didn't really take as much away from the experience as I'd imagined it would. And I don't think anyone judged me for not being able to do it all. And I think for once, I finally didn't judge myself either.

Despite being nothing like what I had planned, it was all I could have hoped.

What Has Changed

Maybe the same thing will work for life.

Maybe even though it's nothing like what I had planned, it will be all I could have hoped.

A small epiphany... now only to keep applying the lesson. This could mean a real breakthrough for managing traveling less exhaustingly, for not burning myself out with work, or by doing too many things on weekends. Living at a more sustainable pace. Something with which the "Spoon Overcouncil" would be more aligned. Accepting the help when it's offered, and actually believing that I'm not a burden to those who've offered it. That's something new for me too, asking for help. I was forced to do it to get through this spring. At first it made me feel as awful, burdening, and guilty as it always had. But then, I realized what I didn't want to admit: I *needed* help. And the crazier part, people were offering it because they *wanted* to, and helping me when I needed it was not the huge burden that I'd made it out to be.

On the other hand, people continue to question my choices to do *anything* that's taxing on my body. Entertaining the idea that since May of last year, I really do feel crappy most of the time. And that I always feel crappy when I travel. Some people (nice people, who are just wanting the best for me, admittedly) think that hence I shouldn't do such things. But what would that change? 

If I thought putting my life on hold could help make me better, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the reality is that there's nothing I can do that will miraculously make me better. Despite feeling like something has been really off balance since last June, no doctor or specialist I've seen has been able to find anything other than my long standing chronic conditions going on. 

To finally have had a very good doctor who is up to date on chronic inflammatory/auto-immune diseases say to me that my system is really oversensitive and out of control, is an odd comfort. To have him explain that having IBS and this kind of chronic illness *does* relate to having flareups of Fibromyalgia and fatigue (which was something that I had been told before, but then had a differing second opinion on) has been vindicating. This doesn't mean that he can necessarily help; though he says he's going to try, I have learned not to have any expectations in this respect.

But all of this, what it changed in me is it gave me the ability to accept what is. That I am going to be tired a lot, that I am going to feel sick a lot, and most of all, that it doesn't mean I have to stop living my life. I don't need to fight it anymore, that's not actually helping anything. I don't need to feel guilty for not doing things, or feel like I'm not trying hard enough. Something about being so sick, and then actually being fairly incapacitated for a couple weeks made this all ok.

If anything, I'm starting to realize what an amazing thing it is that I do as much as I do, when I am contending with levels of wellness that would keep most people at home. I've gotten used to living like this, but it's NOT easy. It's a struggle. And that's why I don't need to make it any harder on myself. But I also am not going to give up. If I feel just like this every day for the rest of my life, I'm not going to let it stop me from enjoying the things I do decide to use my spoons on.

The small victories have started meaning more. The losses have started meaning less.  Frustrating and sad, yes. Unfair and painful, absolutely.  But when the options are slow or not at all, slow doesn't really seem so bad.

Before we get started, here's some new LCD Soundsystem for your listening enjoyment... (Awesome, SteveK, your tip about just shrinking the height on the YouTube player works!!!)

Much of my thoughts go like an agile retrospective these days... project management is permeating my thinking patterns.

Good

• I made it to DrupalCon San Francisco, and despite being sick and going late, had a great time, and rested lots so I got better and not sicker while I was there.
• Over the flu. After shaking the death cough, my lungs actually feeling better than they have in over a year and a half. My voice is back which makes me very happy, except my high singing range, but I'm sure that will return with a little more time.
• Work is busy. I feel like I am being effective, and like my hard work over the last year and a half is paying off making things run smoothly, having everyone feel self-actualized, having happy clients, and getting to do the kind of work we enjoy.
• I feel more appreciated and at peace in various aspects of my life than I have in a long time. (Ever?)
• Eating lots of good food; I have gained back about 2.5 of the 8.5 pounds I lost since February. Might not seem like much but I was worried it would be even harder to gain anything back.
• Got a crapload of blood tests done last weekend, and they all came back normal. I was getting lots of bruising, but I can safely assume now that it is just from being a bit malnutritioned, and that some steady Vit C intake will fix me up.
• Also, I went back to the old walk-in clinic I used to go to before I started hunting for a GP...Holy I forgot how much better a couple of the docs there are. 
• I've mostly been sleeping a lot better lately, and sleeping/waking earlier than is normal for me. It's felt very odd, but in a good way. I doubt it will last much longer, but it's been nice.
• I have been feeling more relaxed in general. I like this. I'm pretty sure the people around me like it too.
• I have more spoons lately.
• I've been doing a better job at keeping a balance, taking care of myself, asking for help, not being mad at myself for not feeling well.
• Oh, and my Drupal Voices podcast that was recorded at the conference was posted this week!

Bad

• My stomach is still generally feeling awful, more awful than normal, as has been the case since last summer. (Luckily looks like I'm gonna get a referral to a new, hopefully more helpful, GI doc when walk-in doc is back from vacation.)
• My apartment is getting more construction. It makes me crazy. I am househunting. I don't find moving fun.
• My back and neck have been fucking killing me lately. Too much computer and sickness, not enough yoga and off-computer time.
• I ate moldy soy yogurt today. No biggie, just gross.
• I don't have much Drupal Docs mojo right now.
• I really, really miss several beloved friends who are not here.
• Not sure if this is really a "bad" but I'm not sure going to DrupalCon Copenhagen is really going to be the best thing for me right now.

Do differently next time

• Get annual flu shot. It's just not worth getting the flu (I've had it 4 times in 3 years since moving downtown!)
• Not stand for useless and/or rude doctors.
• Not eat suspicious soy yogurt. (I have made this mistake more than once now.)
• Do more yoga! Do more yoga! Do more yoga! When will I learn?

As each challenge in life appears and is confronted, we find ourselves on the other side of it, having either lost or been victorious. Lessons learned, bridges burned, badges earned... We recalibrate, set our compass to a new bearing, and keep moving on to whatever is next. In life and love, I hope and believe that each time we face a challenge, regardless of outcome, if we pay attention and respect the lessons offered, we come out stronger and more in tune with what we need and deserve in the long run.

This is one of my absolute favourite poems, I got it from a gumball machine in Seattle almost 4 years ago.

They are in a dark plum thicket
and she is too far above the ground,
can feel the lift and fall of walking
but is not walking. Beneath her
are the shoulders of a boy
who is willing to carry her for years

but he is unsteady as a shirt
unbuttoned in the wind and she
is like a feather on the surface
of a river with round stones
in its bed. She already knows
he will fall and because she is above
him she will fall further

but that doesn't matter yet, the night
held up all around her
like great bolts of cloth for her choosing

"Before She Decides" by Kelly Madigan Erlandson from Lincoln, Nebraska (originally appeared in Anthology One, Alsop Review Press)

The author of this, Kelly, is a writer and a drug and alcohol counselor in the states. I didn't know that until a couple weeks ago, when after reading the poem many times (it's lived on my corkboard above my desk for years now) it occurred to me to google her name. On a bit of a whim, I sent her an email and she sent me a lovely reply and welcomed me to share the poem here with you all. I hope a few of you enjoy it even a fraction of how much I do.

As I told her, it both reminds me of that trip to Seattle (which ended up being very influential in my eventual move to working with Drupal, as the trip was to attend DrupalCamp Seattle, my first big Drupal event), and says so much about love, independence, suspending better judgment, and the way relationships feel before they start to fall apart.

Yesterday, I was here:

It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

I am still feeling very tentative about feeling better, and spent the day today at home puttering around. Did laundry, made some soup broth (my first time!), talked to my folks on the phone, talked to some friends on the phone, and relaxed. I know I need to keep taking it somewhat easy, and (now that I've admitted defeat) will happily do so if it means continuing to feel better.

I'm hoping the change to spring is companion to a larger shift for me, into a more peaceful, healthier feeling space that I've missed so much. Huh, just writing that I realized it really is spring, yesterday was the spring equinox!

So, here I be. Hoping for more good days than bad this week. Doing my best to just be. And get some semblance of what is important to me back in a more permanent sense. My mom has told me many times that her mom used to say, "act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic!" so will also be focusing on keeping a good mindset, and making small and steady steps towards good.

I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, but I am not well. Not yet. And the last two weeks, I pushed too hard, and now I'm feeling a bit worse again. It's so hard not to jump back in full on, into life.

I went to counseling this week for the first time in a while, I said I'd been struggling with a lot since getting really sick last month. Mainly, I am terrible about asking for help. And I am terrible at not pushing myself too hard once I start feeling better. I don't want to miss out on things, and I don't want to let people down.

My counselor asked me, so what? What is your greatest fear if you just stopped doing everything, and rested... And in all honesty, the only thing that came to mind, is if I stop doing everything I want and need to do, that I would feel like I don't exist. BAM. Biggest fear in life right there. Scares the bejeezus out of me even thinking about things like that.

But I am so exhausted, after just two weeks (admittedly full-on weeks) back at it. This week, my stomach has been feeling worse again... and last night I started getting a bit of a sore throat, so I think I am fighting off this stupid cold everyone has on top of it. I just want so much to feel better. Moo.

O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill'd with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew'd;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

  - Whitman

People ask me all the time why I can't do certain things. People who know me; who've known me for ages. People who mean well.

Why can't I come out to socialize in the evening on a day when I worked at the office?
Why did I drive to work today instead of taking the bus?
Why do I have to work from home most of the time (why is that any different than going to the office)?
Why is travelling so hard?
Why can't I walk all the way across downtown?
Why can't I stay up late one night on occasion?
Why....?

I've never found a way to explain this to people so it makes sense to them. Other than saying, I don't have as much energy as a "normal" person. My counselor has asked me a few times why I think people just don't get that, and the only thing I can think of, is that it's because I seem so cheery, I don't look like I feel terrible all the time. But that is just because when I feel terrible, I stay home. And I try to keep a good attitude, regardless. But it's not representative of what I live with.

But I just read something Zak sent me - a simple analogy using toothpicks, and that's it. THAT'S EXACTLY IT. I looked up the "Spoon Theory" that's mentioned at the end, and it's a longer, more detailed version of the same concept, and if you've ever asked me any of those questions, or want to understand what I live with, please do read this (start at the heading "But you don't look sick" and update: no I don't have MS, it's just a way to look at chronic illness). It's a bit long, but it's the best description I've ever read. That is exactly what my life is like.

And right now, I have about 2 spoons (or toothpicks) per day. I can do dishes, and make food. And that's it. I can go out for coffee with a friend, and do a little work from home. But that's it. If I do laundry, that uses up both of them for the day. Same for grocery shopping. Going to the office uses 6 if I take the bus. Yes, 6. 2 for being at work, 2 for taking the bus, 2 for packing food and unpacking/cleaning after. 1 day at the office means I am exhausted for 3 days.

I have been running a deficit of spoons since I got sick last month. And a weekend isn't long enough to get back in the black. That was the sickest I think I've ever been. It was scary. The friends who were really keeping tabs on me and who knew how bad it was were scared for me. And I want to be well again so much that I've been acting like if I just do normal things, normal life will return. But that's not working. I really need to scale it back a TON.

And I don't know what that looks like. But I know I need to figure it out damn fast, or else this is going to drag on and I will be forced to face my fears in a not so nice way. I am so afraid of having to face what is really at stake here.