Photos

What's that? Oh yes, that is the smell of sweet, sweet VICTORY!!! 

And just like that it's over. It's a small miracle that I actually made it to San Francisco for DrupalCon SF.  As I mentioned before, I caught the flu just over a week and a half before I was supposed to leave for the conference, and was SOOOOO sick. I got a fever, then the worst cough I think I've had since I was a kid.  My mom saved my ass and came out and stayed with me for a week, I hardly left my bed the entire time. She went back to Saskatoon about three days before I was supposed to leave for SF, but I was still pretty sick, and was about 5 days into a week of having lost my voice. Making the con did NOT look promising.

I had to get Ben (thank you again!) to help me change my plane ticket via a crazy Skype conference call (because I couldn't speak), and pushed it to Sunday, hoping that might give me enough time to recoup some energy. Going down Sunday meant missing my day and a half of tourist time, the Core Dev Summit, and the pre-con sprint day. But there was no way I was going anywhere Thursday, so I just had to come to grips with the situation.

Friday I still felt like crap. Saturday, I felt only marginally less crappy, but went out for a walk to test my stamina for possible airport-going the next day. The walk went okay, so I packed. I still wasn't at all sure going to bed Saturday whether I would feel well enough in the morning to go, but Sunday I woke up, didn't feel too terrible, and decided to go for it.

I went to the airport, and found Olly and Ben, who were on the same flight, and off we went!

The house I'd rented (photo c/o SteveK) for a big group of us was FANTASTIC. It was one level of one of those huge old SF houses, up near Alamo Square, and coincidentally the level above us had another group of DrupalCon-goers, including the lovely Katherine (ksenzee). It was a nice bonus sitting on the stoop having a chat the first night there. Over the course of the week, 9 PNW folks stayed at the house off and on, and it was lovely having such a nice home to settle into.

The place worked out great - big kitchen, lots of space, nice neighbourhood - and was conducive to lots of hang out time with everyone. I'm so glad that everyone who managed to stay with us did, as it was great getting some quality time in with some of my favourite geeks who I never get to see enough of. (This is half of the crew at the end of the week - for sure the funniest photo, tho Andy's kinda blocked, click through to see a few more.)

I managed to actually make it to about 3-5hrs of conference each day, which I think is pretty great, all things considered, but generally was way more low key than previous DrupalCons and crashed late afternoon, having to come back to the house for a nap. I didn't get out at all in the evenings to the code lounge, or any of the socials, but had a good time chilling out at the house, and made it to all the keynotes, a few BOF's (birds of a feather sessions, ie. smaller sessions for various niche topics), and a bit of the final Docs sprint. The Drupalchix BOF had an amazing turn out (we counted over a hundred attendees!), and it was great to meet a bunch more of the people I had yet to meet in person.

And of course, what really makes DrupalCon so important to me is getting to reconnect and spent a little quality time with all the awesome friends I've made who are scattered all over the globe (though sadly a few of them were victim of the ash situation over Europe and didn't make it). From the the PNW crew to friends from out East, to others from Europe who I only really see once a year, I can't even explain how much I love you people. You bring me a world of happy, and I feel so incredibly lucky to have found myself part of such a wonderful community and now also call many of you friends.

I arrived home today feeling much better than when I left, and realistically no more worn out than I've been at the end of previous DrupalCons! I still have a bit of residual sick, and certainly have a bit more recouperating to do, but things went as well as I could have possibly  hoped. I am sooooooooo glad I made it.

I want to say a special thank-you to everyone who sent me good vibes, cheered me on, gave me lots of hugs, and had my back making this trip under less than ideal circumstances. All of your offers to help me out if things didn't go well, bring me groceries when I was tired, and generally keep tabs on how I was doing, were what gave me enough peace of mind to take a bit of a risk and travel when I was still in a bit of a sketchy state.

Till next time...

Yesterday, I was here:

It was lovely. LOVELY. That wasn't the only reason it was a good day though. It was the first day in about 6 weeks that I felt somewhat "normal" (ie. not so exhausted I can't really go out and do anything). I'm not sure exactly what did it, but after a giant sleep and a little dietary tinkering toward the end of the week, all of a sudden, something shifted.

I am still feeling very tentative about feeling better, and spent the day today at home puttering around. Did laundry, made some soup broth (my first time!), talked to my folks on the phone, talked to some friends on the phone, and relaxed. I know I need to keep taking it somewhat easy, and (now that I've admitted defeat) will happily do so if it means continuing to feel better.

I'm hoping the change to spring is companion to a larger shift for me, into a more peaceful, healthier feeling space that I've missed so much. Huh, just writing that I realized it really is spring, yesterday was the spring equinox!

So, here I be. Hoping for more good days than bad this week. Doing my best to just be. And get some semblance of what is important to me back in a more permanent sense. My mom has told me many times that her mom used to say, "act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic!" so will also be focusing on keeping a good mindset, and making small and steady steps towards good.

I waffled back and forth on whether to even make intentions for this coming year (and then whether to publish them anywhere). I had been practicing existing without having a plan, and just seeing where life takes me. Thing is, having ended up in a place I didn't expect, I never really thought about where my current self could go. It's all fine and good seeing where things go, but I don't like just letting life happen to me, I want to make the life I want a reality. And so, it becomes time to think about what that means. It's fine if these intentions aren't fulfilled, there is no failure, there is only learning and doing better next time.

1. Cease to act based on fear. Go on the offensive in all aspects of life.

2. Remember how to hope, how to be ambitious. (And know that it doesn't jinx me, creating expectations that can't be met.)

3. Be truly kind and compassionate to myself.

4. Cultivate and maintain inner peace. Don't sweat the small stuff.

5. Set some longer term intentions related to career.

6. Find a place to live where I really feel like home. (And not let this hinge on another person's involvement.)

7. Stop rushing. "Take it easy. Enjoy your life."

8. Be a leader. Be a mentor. Keep learning. Be awesome.

9. Spend more casual, spontaneous, unstructured time with loved ones. (We are all too busy.)

10. Remember how to let myself fall in love, and be loved in return.

While we're here
let's see what happens,
what we got, got, got to lose?
While the tidal
and flexed on a full moon,
it'd be a sure, sure shame to not to.
Do it for England.
Do it for love.
Do it for us.
Do it for goodness sake.
Do it for all the time we wished we had.
Do what you want,
just how you like,
nobody has to know.
- Imogene Heap "Tidal"

The calm comes from certainty. Routine. Knowing the way things will be, the way people will be. Knowing the way I will be.

I fight constantly to maintain balance. It is what keeps me sane, and what keeps me well. Overdo anything, and I never know how far the scale will tip. How far off the rails things will go, and how long it will take to get back on track.

This last chapter has been one of building. I have built something that is sturdy, something that is robust, something that has longevity.

Something I want so much to protect.

This is where the fear comes in. The fear is about loss. The fear is that the calm will leave. The fear is what makes me a girl scout, and what makes me over-plan, and over-think. The fear makes me forget about the YES that I promised myself I would practice, nearly two years ago.

I don't need the fear anymore. It served an important purpose when things were more difficult... it became a habit. Fear is an incredibly difficult habit to break.

A coma might feel better than this
Attempting to discover where to begin
You're weighed down, you're full of something
Of sickness and desertion
You're weighed down, you're full of something
You're underneath it all.
- City and Colour "Waiting..."

Depending on fear to keep my life in balance just plain sucks, and it's not necessary. There are better ways. That is what I need to find now.

I have a feeling finding an alternative method of motivating the creation of the calm, will decrease the anxious side of anticipation I often feel, and just let me enjoy things more. Let me enjoy adventuring into the unknown, and trust that things will be ok.  Fear is just such a dang good motivator, that I think figuring out a driving force to create calm and stability without it is going to be challenging. Sure, it'd be great if I could just manifest these things for the heck of it, but really it's still a reactionary thing for me.

Well I've grown tired of singing songs
That I don't believe in anymore
And I've grown tired of feelin' old
Like I'm lookin' for summer but I find the cold
Well my seasons roll by high and low
I don't hold the reigns I don't have control
And I wish my dice had a different roll
And I wish my path weren't a ragged road
- Vince Vaccaro "Costa Rica"

I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to do this, but identifying the challenge is half the battle. And what is life, without challenges? Some say easy. I say boring! It's a coping mechanism, shuddup.

Lots of things to catch up on...

BarCamp Vancouver 2009

BarCamp was this weekend - I was so-so on it last year, it was still fun, but not many sessions really did it for me, so I came in with relatively low expectations, thinking that maybe I'd just been to too many Camps and Cons now for them to still inspire and interest me...  I am happy to report that I actually had a superb time, and am not too old and jaded to enjoy these events. :-)  The organizers did a great job (thanks a bunch, you are all awesome) and everything went off flawlessly.  Enjoyed the sessions I went to, and there were many more I wish I could have made it to (most sessions are listed here, some have notes/slides).

I loved Stephanie's Design Charette session, where we did a brainstorming session to design something that would help solve the problem of pedestrians (especially those who are homeless and for whatever reason lacking caution when crossing) being hit in the DTES.  Our group decided to focus on visibility and proposed armbands with reflective/LED strips that activate when in the roadway to make people visible. I thought it would be good to also provide an incentive to wear (and not lose) the armband by having local companies sponsor some services for those wearing it - ie. free coffee, food, etc. for people with them. (We couldn't present the full idea because of time constraints.) (In case you're wondering what a "wicked problem" is, from the photo, see wikipedia)

The discussion session led by Boris about potential new coworking space/hackspace ventures was good too, as the community is still feeling the loss of Workspace. Looks like there are some interesting times ahead as W2 opens in the near future, Irwin filled us all in on what to expect. A new face in the community, Nick Molnar, also talked about the possibility of a larger hackspace. And of course, there's the ongoing discussion about Bootup Entrepreneurial Society opening up some kind of space that includes a cafe/coworking space. Notes (taken by Nick) for this session are here.

Boris and Mark Busse's session on Balancing Frustration and Passion (notes taken by Jenny Lee Silver) was one of my favourites - I don't know how I've managed to go this long without properly meeting Mark, but he definitely had some enlightening opinions and experiences to share.  Boris encouraged me to talk about some of the struggles I've been having with the local Drupal user group, which because of Drupal being an open-source project and working on a do-ocracy type of structure (ie. there is no real leader, basically whoever wants to organize/contribute is free to take initiative to do so). I think partly because it's such an unfamiliar type of organizational structure for most people, there weren't a lot of solutions suggested, but some of the experiences people shared from different types of organizations definitely gave me some food for thought. It was the first time I'd spoken publicly about it, and that's a bit nerve wracking, but hopefully it will serve to open the door to more discussions about how to make the group awesome, and figure out how to get people to take the initiative to go for it and get more involved.

(As a sidenote, I discovered this video of David Strauss' great session at DrupalCamp Dallas on how to contribute to Drupal - it's a must watch for anyone who wants to get more involved in contributing to the Drupal project/community, and reviews a lot of etiquette and how-to's for using IRC, patch queues, etc.)

The pre-party Friday night was also fun and a great excuse to hang out with all those wonderful people I don't see nearly enough.  All in all, things were interesting enough that I didn't end up in the hallway track until about 4:30pm when I got too pooped to be a good listener, so I consider that a success!  There were lots of other great things going on, like Roland's bike/icecream out trip, a remote session about the impact of being in a choir, Rick's session on Vinyl, and Haig's session on design vs. code, so poke around the session list and hopefully some of the other stuff has been documented elsewhere (if you have links to blog posts on any of the other sessions please post in comments!)

Other stuff

My awesome coworkers surprised me with Ariane Appreciation Day last week, and boy did I feel appreciated (sorry for thwarting the first attempt, you did a great job of catching me off guard!) - they are rad, and I thank my lucky stars every day to be able to work on projects that excite and inspire me, with such fabulous and even more inspiring people.

The little bits of the week that were not work/tech related gave me time to appreciate beautiful sunsets...

Beautiful flowers - this rose might have well been the best smelling one I've ever encountered, reminding me of rose-flavoured Turkish delights...

And the beauty of a pile of freshly washed and folded laundry after putting it off way too long.

ps. As if laundry couldn't get any better, I discovered during it that in addition to finally supporting an official podcast, the CBC's got a complete archive of seasons 1-6 of Wiretap posted now for your streaming pleasure (and any pods that weren't fully licensed to be released on podcast are streamable in their entirety).  I listened to about 6 or 7 episodes over the course of the afternoon while folding laundry, snacking, and basking in the glorious sunbeam that I get in the late afternoon on my couch in the winter.

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6