Health

Well, I felt great Monday, and then promptly came down with some kind of flu that seems to be going around Tuesday morning, and ended up feeling even more terrible than the week before. Finally, today I am less zombie-like (BRAAAAAINS!), though it's certainly left my stomach all achy and unhappy.

Tuesday morning when the bug first hit me and then Thursday night were when I felt the absolute most terrible. Tuesday I woke up with a sore throat and asthma, which I chalked up to allergies. But it became glaringly apparent that it was more than that, and I had to make a mad dash home from work because I felt like I was on the brink of throwing up all through a client meeting. Thursday night was probably the worst though, and it took very many kind and supportive words from a friend to bring me back from the brink of complete desperation.

I woke up this morning after an epic sleep last night finally feeling less horrible, and managed to get my laundry done (WIN!). Then I spent the better part of today working, which is not really normal for me (being a big fan of boundaries, ie. weekends), but was happy to do it. Partly because I didn't get a lot done last week only working a bit from home, partly cause I enjoy the work, and mostly because I still felt too yucky to go out and do anything remotely fun and it kept me busy.

I think I need to try harder when in the pits of stomach ache induced despair to remind myself of all the things I have to be thankful for, so I don't just lose my mind dwelling on how angry and sad I am that I feel like crap most of the time. And what a constant struggle it is pushing through pain and discomfort every day just to do "normal" things. If I'm honest, I totally envy people who just feel fine all the time, I can't imagine what it would be like. I could do ANYTHING and everything. I sometimes resent perfectly healthy people who don't take advantage of what a gift good health truly is. Sure, I get phases where I feel better than this, but it has never lasted, and life certainly isn't going to wait for my perpetual stomach ache to go away. And heck, I'm not willing to let life pass my by because of it either.

The things I have been trying to focus on to stay positive are:

1. How lucky I am to have friends who can tolerate me at my absolute worst, and still love me through it. (Even if some of them are really far away, at least that means they are up at freakish hours of the night to chat with when I am nauseous and can't sleep.)
2. How lucky I am to have a home, food and water, and all the luxuries that I enjoy. (The photos of the mayhem in Haiti and down in Peru really hit that one home, never mind the many homeless people I encounter on a daily basis who are perpetually cold and damp and hungry.)
3. My bravery in making plans to do things that I know I will enjoy, but will be incredibly challenging, especially if I'm not feeling my best. Traveling, conferences, and taking responsibility in my job and for important Drupal community work are what most come to mind. Of course, realizing that if I do feel terrible, I can cancel on things and the world will not end has helped me feel more comfortable with these sorts of things. But I do more than a lot of people who have it easier than me.
4. How lucky I am, despite having the physical challenges I do, and the resulting mental challenges that come along with, to be an extremely competent person. The combination of book smarts, street smarts, natural empathy, and genuine love of helping people and seeing through challenging projects, is something I absolutely do not take for granted. And despite having some definite unluckiness in the physical department, I am hugely effective at getting things done. I don't let it be an excuse for not pushing myself, or doing my part. And it's so easy to find excuses for such things, and not care.

Sure, I don't have everything in balance all the time, and I don't have all the answers. But that despite consistently feeling like crap for virtually my entire life, I have managed to get a Masters degree, reinvent myself career-wise, be a generally nice, well adjusted, and well-liked person, excel in said career beyond any of my expectations, live on my own far from my parents for the better part of the last eleven and a half years, and be a productive member of society largely on my own terms... well, to me these are some big accomplishments.

And my head may as well be too.

I am officially failing at my intentions for 2010 the past few days. I have been feeling super frustrated and anxious, and generally out of sorts. Being that nothing in particular has triggered this, I am pretty inclined to associate it with not having felt too well again for the last couple weeks. I just don't recover well from any disturbances in the force, and it can take me weeks if not longer to get back to "normal" (whatever that is) after something goes off balance.

After randomly getting a really bad rash the week before, and then having a bad IBS flareup, I am feeling pretty run down emotionally and physically. And yet, the world keeps racing along, so I never feel like I can really stop and rest to a point where I actually feel rested. Just enough to keep trucking along and not totally fall apart.

It's all so damn frustrating. I had blood tests done (again) last week, though they seem to always come back normal, so I'm not really anticipating anything coming of them, other than a big bruise on my arm. I feel like no doctor I've ever seen has cared at all about how shitty I feel on a daily basis, or even made any significant attempt to help. As soon as they run a couple tests and don't see anything, they give up and send me on my way. And sure, maybe they can't do anything. But geez. I shouldn't have to fight so hard just to make sure I get proper medical care. I am just one small person, on my own, taking care of myself. I could use a little damn support.

I mean, I don't really know what to do. I've tried pretty much everything. And regardless, things just are what they are. A little up and down, but almost always a struggle. I decided to stop weighing myself back in the summer when I was really sick for about a month, because seeing my weight drop just stresses me out. For whatever reason, I finally decided to weigh myself today. I thought I was probably doing okay, since (shockingly) nobody has been remarking lately that I look really skinny or unwell. And yet, I actually am down like 3 lbs more than I was before I had the flareup back in June (which was already way down from university days).  That's just so incredibly frustrating to me, I don't even know how to deal with it. I eat as much as I can, but my stomach doesn't handle large quantities of food at a time, or very fatty food, or any of the myriad of things I'm allergic to. And on top of that, I've been trying not to eat quite so much sugar, as I have had crazy candida problems since I was a teenager too. So losing a few pounds might not sound that bad, but over years, as it continues and I'm not able to gain the weight back... well, it sure isn't good.

All this amounts to me feeling just super frustrated and run down, and to be honest it's hard not to get sort of freaked out. I know those feelings don't really help it any, but seriously, it's just hard.

SIGH.

So that's all just me venting all my stress and worry. The other side of this, and what really starts getting to me, is because I have no way of really doing anything about what's going on, I think I start projecting my stress and frustration into the areas of my life that are actually going fine, but where I have more tangible power to affect things. And that doesn't always materialize in a very positive way.

It means, I end up pushing away friends (who I know would be there for me if I could find a way to communicate what I need from them, which is a whole other challenge). It means I stress about work (which is actually one of the best things going on for me right now). It means I cancel on plans so I can just get through the day, which makes me bummed out. It means I start feeling like I'm grasping. And I don't like that feeling, or any of it really.

I try to just cope with all of this crap I'm dealing with in my own head, take it day by day, and not trouble other people with it, but then now and again, it just all starts boiling over. And then I end up letting it all out in a blog post that I'm really not sure should be unleashed on the world.

I can see it all on the horizon. Or, I think I can... Maybe it is just the light in the distance playing tricks with my eyes. No. There is something there. Leave the fear behind. All I can do is take steps toward it each day. And be where I am.

For a myriad of reasons, last week generally sucked. I think I'm getting better at shaking it off though, so that's something. But it wasn't all bad. Time for a list of all that is good. Focus, focus, focus on that, and I will keep on the right track.

1. Friday I got the extremely good news that my mom had gotten a clean bill of health after getting a scary call from the doctor at the start of the week. I couldn't even tell people about it cause I was so freaked out.
2. Also, some other great news, was that Sam (Scott's girlfriend) got approved for a three year visa to come back to Canada. This is super exciting, as I miss them dearly, and it means they can come back later in the year for another visit (or if we're lucky to stay for a while)!
3. Got a good amount of work done, despite feeling crappy and working from home most of the week.
4. Had a nice, unplanned, relaxed day yesterday, meandering after lunch with Rachael in the glorious sunshine, and then hanging out while Boris cut up and cooked his haul of meat (mmmm... delicious pork).
5. Sleeping a ton. I slept almost 10 hours a night the last three nights, and finally feel almost un-tired from last weekend.
6. Finally replacing my Proof trade paperbacks (got one, and the other two are on order) that I somewhat naively lent out and didn't get back. Live and learn.
7. Funny phone conversations with my dad.
8. Cute boys!
9. Hilarious tiny dogs in sweaters.
10. Getting nice emails back from my cousins.
11. Spending all day today lounging and Drupalling.

This blog post comes to you in two parts: 1) Drupal 2) Everything else

Drupal7 Codesprint

This weekend was the Drupal7 Contrib Upgrade Sprint that Károly Négyesi (aka chx) organized at the NowPublic offices. I spent a good part of yesterday there, helped out with coaching the one beginner who turned up to learn some of the tools for helping out in the community.  Otherwise, after a bit of a rough start, the devs all hunkered down and have been making some Drupal magic, upgrading super important things like Views, Panels, database stuff, and various other bits and pieces of modules and themes.

A good number of people came in from out of town and they've all been working  their butts off.  Sam Boyer came in from Chicago and was working on panels, Jakob Perry was up from Bellingham (I think?) and was working with some others to get Coder module functional for D7. David Strauss was in from Austin, TX, and I think he was working on some DBTNG stuff (?), and Josh Brauer came up from Idaho and Amye Scavarda (who I'd met at the Project Management BOF in DC) was in from Portland as well... I lost track what everyone was doing (and ended up staying home today thanks to a tummyache) but trust me you want to thank your lucky starts there are all these amazing dedicated people around.

Highfives to all the Vancouverites who came out and helped and showed their support! Rick, Dale, Katherine, Francis, Hubert, Richard, Catherine, and a brave "newb" (more new to the community than new to development) Chris.  And also to the others who joined remotely, Damien Tournoud, Dmitri G., Larry Garfield, Daniel Wehne, and Mike Prasuhn spent the better part of their weekends helping out from their respective homes.  I'm sure others stopped in that I missed, but I just feel like it's the least I can do to say a collective thanks to everyone who spends so much of their time and energy keeping this ship afloat.  Open source communities are a pretty amazing thing when you think about it, it just gives me the warm fuzzies.

Everything Else

Had a great Thanksgiving dinner last weekend, with a few friends and a lot of strangers out in East Van.  Makes me happy knowing the kinds of people in my life are the kind where a mish-mash of their friends can turn up at a dinner party, many who know only one or two people there, and chit chat all evening and have a great time. There were several people who worked in urban planning, resource management, non-profits, tech, and social media, so there was a lot of really passionate, interesting conversations.

I've been on holiday this past week, recharging in order to get through the end of the month, October has been crazy packed full of tech events... the final one being the Pacific Northwest Drupal Summit which is in Seattle at the end of the month.  I'm excited and trying to keep my energy up so I don't totally burn out before getting through it!  One of my coworkers gave me some advice recently about prioritizing and energy levels, suggesting that maybe I ought to be a little more selfish (in a taking care of my self way, not a being a jerk way) about my priorities and not overdo it when it comes to extracurricular (ie. non-work) commitments.

That is a really hard thing for me to accept, there is so much that I want to do all of the time, and the reality is that I never have enough energy, and that is quite likely not going to change.  I realize maybe I haven't quite struck the optimal balance yet, but I can say with relative certainty that my life is always going to involve pushing myself, since I'm not willing to give up doing the things that keep me happy and keep me feeling motivated. It's more of refining exactly how much I can and should push myself so that I still get to do stuff that I want to, but don't feel totally drained all the time.  It sounds easy enough, but as anyone who deals with ongoing health challenges knows, it's not just that simple.

 I've no idea what I am talking about.  I'm trapped in this body and can't get out.
- Radiohead "Bodysnatchers"

I'd love to hear how you all balance your personal/health needs with your work and extracurricular passions if you feel like giving a little feedback.

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6

Some of you have met my my mean green cruising machine (which really needs a name - suggestions?)  But tonight I got reacquainted with my first bike love:

Before the red bike, I had a super cheapo heavy bike that I got at Canadian tire when I was about 12 years old.  I had my parents ship this bike to me on Greyhound a while after I moved off of Burnaby Mountain down into North Burnaby for the second time (sometime around 2002 I believe), thinking I could ride it around the 'hood a bit.  I hadn't fully realized what a prairie bike it was - it weighed a ton and was only good on super flat roads.

At this time, I was spending a lot of time with friends who were into mountain biking, and eventually decided that the only answer was to upgrade to a newer, lighter, awesomer bike.

And thus, the old bike got a new home with the UBC Bike Kitchen, likely to become one of their community bikes, and I fell in love with a red Brodie just the right size for a petite gal like myself.  I bought some padded bike shorts, and a new helmet, and after a little time psyching myself up on trails around the golf course, and some serious schooling from Scott, learned how to bike over small logs and across wooden ladders.

My crap cardio and endurance kept me from mastering some of the more challenging trails, but for a fairly non-athletic girl from the prairies, I was pretty happy with where I was at.  I could happily bike down the lower part of the easier trail on the south side of Burnaby Mountain (the North Road trail), or do a little cross country (my favorites that I remember being in Ruckle Park on Saltspring Island, and another trail somewhere in...Nova Scotia?).

The red bike accompanied me on the two month trip across Canada.  The red bike made me feel hardcore.  The red bike helped me ride over obstacles I didn't think I would be able to tackle.  And I'm no pro, but the whole mountain biking thing went over a lot better than I would have imagined.

After moving downtown just over two years ago, I got it into my head that a mountain bike was impractical for riding around the city.  Last summer I went searching for a more city-friendly bike, and ended up buying the green bike (a Townie).   The green bike is a cruiser.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for when I bought the green bike, I just knew I wanted something more practical.  I tried riding a friend's beautiful fixie, but it just didn't feel right.  I tried some hybrids, but figured I may as well just keep riding the mountain bike if I was going to consider buying one of those.  So after many afternoons spent test-riding, I settled on a cruiser with lotsa gears so I could attempt to handle the hilliness.  I got a basket so I could carry groceries and such.  The green bike felt more streamlined, and gave a smoother ride.

But the green bike is still heavy, and particularly with my lung crapout over the winter, my cardio is as bad as it's ever been.  And my body only ever has so much endurance, thanks to the myriad of quirks it has, in particular not digesting well, and so not usually taking in an adequate amount of calories and nutrients on any given day which makes me generally fatigue really easily.  I've not been able to get to a point where I can comfortably ride to work and back.  And riding up the downtown hump is something I have yet to accomplish.  Another thing about cruisers is that, as much as the upright position is a lot nicer on my back and wrists, and the seat is a lot more comfortable, being upright removes a lot of the power you get out of your legs.  It makes the movement a lot more like climbing stairs rather than biking, and that has turned out to be harder on my knees and just a lot more tiring.

I've been considering electrifying my green bike, putting a battery on it, so that I can have some help getting up hills, and decrease how much energy I'm expending so that I can bike further.  Laugh if you want.  I wish I could just bike further under my own power, but this is my reality, and if there are tools that can help me achieve my goals, then why not use them?

And yet, I haven't done it.

I've been going back and forth, and for some reason...and it's not just because of the cost (though they're darned expensive!), it just doesn't feel quite right.  Not yet at least.  I want to be free, biking under my own body's power, not having a battery to cart around and charge.  I'm not saying that I won't do it, but I just have to really settle it in my own mind before taking the leap.

So tonight, for a change, after only riding my green bike last summer, and a fall, winter, and spring of no more than brisk walking or a quick ride to the grocery store (2 blocks away) for fun, I couldn't resist.  I'd been thinking about the red bike all weekend, after a couple of my workmates were looking at mountain bikes online last week, and my boss turned up with his new commuter bike (also a Brodie). Tonight, my lungs felt...well, not excellent, but not terrible.  I unlocked the red bike, rolled it up the driveway, and pumped the tires.  I raised the seat, as far up as I could.

And then I rode...

I actually made it to Nicola, which is almost halfway up the hump going east (right before the incline increases).  I stopped for a drink of water, and to catch my breath and try and fend off the encroaching asthma.  Then once I'd caught my breath, I coasted back down the hill.  I forgot how great it feels to be flying down a hill, wind in my face, bugs trying to fly up my nose.  It felt amazing.  I didn't want to stop, so I did a couple more loops around the low end of the 'hood before heading home.

I wanted to keep riding all night, but had to be satisfied with that, as it was more than I'd done in many months.  I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next, but the small pleasure of a twenty minute bike ride is something you'll never see go unappreciated here.

Funny thing is, even though I felt a bit like I was cheating on my schmancy cruiser, it was exhilarating riding that bike.  I don't know what it is about it, but it makes me feel strong, and that is no small feat.

It won't be the last ride that bike sees this summer, Red is making a comeback.