Art

What a freaking roller coaster the past few weeks have been. Work has been super intense, though much calmer this last week, but I'm still really happy with how everything's going. Scott is getting ready to leave town in a couple weeks, which is totally starting to freak me out a little! And going back to counseling has gotten me thinking about all sorts of things that I had shelved just to keep trucking along until I had the time and energy to deal with them. Fun, fun.

Election Day came and went, with the somewhat predictable disappointment I was hoping to avoid. The leaves have turned, and I'm starting to figure out Christmas plans, it's crazy how quickly a year can pass.

Something really disappointing happened last week. I was afraid I might fall apart, but the thing is it didn't derail me the way I expected it to. I don't think I really realized it, but sometimes I forget how much stronger I've become, and it took that to remind me. I thought it would make me feel more jaded, but instead I feel okay letting go of the expectations I had. I feel strong enough to allow myself to feel what I feel, and to believe that if I am patient, and strong, and willing to open up my hands and let go that when the time is right, they will be open and ready to catch and hold something truly precious.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it's letting go. -- Herman Hesse

I've had a lot of people commend me for writing about such personal things here, but the truth is that I never go more than just below the surface, always staying at a safe depth so that if I get too scared, I can easily come back to safety. I have been reading some of Dave O's poetry and decided to challenge myself to start sharing some of my own writing, and maybe someday I'll work up to sharing more of my art and songs. It's really hard for me to expose myself like this; a lot of it is so personal. But I don't want to feel embarrassed about my feelings, I want to own them, and be proud of who I am and what I feel, no matter how vulnerable.

So here goes nothing.

I don't want to catch you like this,
With so much heavy time on your back.
With so much apprehension filling your sweet skin.
With you.

You.
Still.
Falling so fast.

If somehow I managed to grab on
Tight enough,
And not let you slip through my fingers...

Like wet sand in salt water,
So cold it burns.

Would you land in my arms as soft as fall leaves?
Or would you hit me like a boulder?
And leave me...

Broken.

Again.

I fear I can only be put back together
So many times
Before everyone can see.

The cracks.

And I am too weathered
To ever be desired.

Last week I was a real stress case. Things in my life have kind of settled into ups and downs, and that's okay. I am trying to learn to be okay with ups and downs rather than let them make me feel disoriented and lose my footing.

Work was kind of intense, but I'm enjoying it a lot, and hoping that things continue to go well with it as I learn how to do what is needed and become more comfortable with my role.

I got to spend some time being arty midweek, which was nice.

Most of the week I was feeling pretty anxious though, not about anything specific, just kind of everything. It took the better part of the weekend to shake it, but I'm feeling much better tonight after spending a lot of time vegging out Friday and Saturday. And today I spent some time reading at the beach in the beautiful October sunshine, and managed to catch up on boring things like laundry and dishes before the week starts.

I also went on a somewhat spontaneous trip with a friend to see the new show of feminist art, WACK! at the VAG this afternoon. Some of the stuff was kind of weird, of course, but there were also some cool and interesting things, including a few diaries or written pieces I might go back and spend some time reading later on. I love having a pass so I can just pop in there whenever and look at bits of shows and not have to see it all at once. Some of the best money ($60) I spend each year.

I'm trying really hard to get back to some sense of normalcy now that fall is here. Getting back to work helps, though I still need to develop a bit more of a routine. I have my second appointment with the new counselor I started seeing this week. The last time I went to counseling was about five or so years ago when I was in university. I kind of realized I had stopped handling stress so well, and that I needed a little kick in the ass to work through the things that have been going on, and I am so glad that I made the appointment when I did, it was well timed. It just really helps to get a neutral perspective on matters, and get some support with how to deal with everything better.

Hopefully the ups and downs, even if I'm comfortable with them, will start to get a little less extreme and a little less intense. That would be nice. But I think things are on the right path again. More and more, I find myself feeling calmer. It's as if I've rediscovered an old friend I'd lost touch with. Like things in my world are functioning a little more smoothly.

We must risk unlearning all those things that have kept us alive for so long. - Ann Newmarch (Courtesy of WACK!)

Between taking a vacation, getting the flu (halfway through my vacation, which carried on through well over a week), and finally the power outage that has been going on in Downtown Vancouver for 2 days now (and not expected to be fixed until at least tomorrow night, possibly Thursday morning) giving many of us an unexpected couple of days (almost--still have to keep an eye on things) off or at least working from home, I have been doing some extended thinking about where I want things to go with my life.

As a lot of you already know, I resigned from my job at the end of last week. I know I've rarely written about work here, and that is mainly because it's such a small community we work in and I've kept this mainly a personal blog, and therefore thought it best kept somewhat separate. But I will say this--all in all, it's been a great experience and if I were to do it again, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to accept the job. I've learned so much, and it's been great working with such wonderful people, including our great clients, and I will absolutely miss that.

I know, however, that it is my time to move on. I've been itching for more challenging work, and would really like to further hone my Drupal skills, as well as learn to do some more advanced programming, and that is something that I will now have the chance to pursue. The other main reason is that I have been feeling really burnt out lately, and it's not something that has been letting up. My body just isn't cut out for the 9-5 lifestyle, and I have known for a while that I really do need some more flexibility if I really want to optimize my quality of life to accommodate my health needs.

I'll probably be writing a bit more than usual about work in the days to come as I figure out where exactly this next adventure is going to take me. For a variety of reasons, several friends and acquaintances have found themselves at a similar cross-roads, as well, so it will be interesting seeing how everyone's journeys progress.

Part of what I've been pondering more intensely is what exactly I want the next few years of my life to look like. I think I've gone through some pretty big changes over the past couple years since finishing grad school, and I need to take a little reprieve to reevaluate what my options are and where exactly I want my road to go. As much as I believe in fate, I also believe you have to make your own successes a lot of the time, and that luck is what happens to people who work hard and make solid plans. Mapping out options and opportunities is a necessity for me to feel like I can take all this on and stay on track.

On a somewhat tangential note, as some of my Flickr friends have noticed, I've been practicing doing more self-portraits lately. I started posting to Flickr just over a year ago, and here are some of my favorite self-portraits since then (from oldest to most recent:

Friday got off to a bit of a slow start--was going to go into work for the morning and make up some sick time, but instead woke up with probably the worst neck pain I'd had all week (and it was not a good week), and realized I really needed to go back to the doctor.  So, I went to the doctor that had referred me to the rheumatologist and the interesting thing was I didn't actually get to see the doctor, I ended up just seeing this nurse practitioner that was working with her.  Now I know what you might be thinking--great clinic, they don't even let you see the doctor, but the thing is, this was one of the most useful doctor's appointments I've had in ages!  She was super knowledgeable, wasn't rushed to get me out of there, answered tons of questions, and gave me a ton of info that doctors don't tend to give on my options.  Anyway, I'm supposed to get more blood tests, a neck x-ray, and hopefully will get in faster for the MRI (but who knows...), and also got the referral to get a second opinion on the fibromyalgia.  Yay tests.  *rolls eyes*

Managed to make it into work for an hour and bit between then and my massage, which was better than nothing, I suppose.   Then went for my massage and came home and had a nap before heading out to Launch Party [photos] in Gastown.  It was great as always, all my geeky friends were out and I had a fun evening chatting, until about 9:30pm when I realized I was ridiculously tired and headed home.

Yesterday I took a self-care day and stayed in all day except for when I went outside to take out the garbage.  It was fabulous--I stayed in bed really late, and then just cleaned and read and vegged.  Did some yoga before bed, tried to relax a bit, cause I feel like things have been really busy lately.

This morning, the crew finally had brunch over in my neck of the woods instead of over in Yaletown, which was a nice change!  Then I headed with a friend to the Vancouver Art Gallery, which was a bit of a bust, because we had missed the boat a little--they were between shows and only had the Group of Seven show on, but was still fun thanks to good company and some mini-photowalking afterwards.

And now, all of a sudden, I'm incredibly sleepy so it's time to head off to bed...

So, about that inspiration stuff... I liked the suggestions of collaborative arty projects. So I've been thinking about people who I know (or have known in earlier days) that now do cool inspiring art stuff. And here is a list of them, loosely in chronological order of when I met them from earliest to most recent with links to their stuff for anyone who's interested (go Google skillz). (I've only used last names where people use their last names publicly in case you're wondering why some are missing.)

Kirsti

(Photo by Kirsti)

I've known Kirsti since I was three weeks old. Most of her creativity is not documented online, but she is a crafter-extraordinaire, trust me. She just started blogging her craftiness, and I had to include her in the list, if for nothing else than her sock making skillz.

• Kirsti's blog

Riley Rossmo

(Photo from Amazon.com)

I went to elementary/highschool with this kid back in the day. He was the kid who constantly got in trouble for drawing and not paying attention. I always really liked Riley, and he was a great artist back then, and wouldn't you know it, he's an even better one now. He actually went to art college, and now is a professional illustrator. He's done work for magazines and illustrated the graphic novel Seven Sons, and is now illustrating the comic book Proof--first issue just came out a couple months ago (now on issue 3)--with his partner in crime, Alexander Grecian. Check out his illustrations on his Wrinkle Graphics site, and if you like comics I totally recommend you go out and find Proof--it's available at most comic shops.

• Riley's homepage: Wrinkle Graphics
• Articles about Proof [1], [2]
• Proof on Wikipedia
• Proof on Comicspace
• Proof Issue 1 on Newsarama
• Seven Sons on Amazon.com
• Seven Sons on AIT-Planet LAR
• Review of Seven Sons on Zillas Comics blog
• Review of Seven Sons on Focused Totality blog

Jude Griebel

(Photo from judegriebel.com)

I also went to elementary school with Jude, but I didn't really know him. His younger brother (who was also a really good artist) was in my class, and he was about 3 or 4 years ahead of us. Jude has become a successful painter, doing a lot of work around the themes of childhood homes, animals, and dreams/imagination. He is based in Vancouver as far as I know, and regularly has shows at Bau-Xi Gallery in town. I went and saw his show there last year, and was instantly in love with his work. When I can afford it, I plan to buy one of his paintings as one of my first real art purchases.

• Jude's homepage
• Jude on the Bau-Xi Gallery site
• Beyond Robson article

Elissa

(Photo by Elissa)

One final elementary school throwback. Elissa and I actually reconnected pre-facebook, and she does great photography mainly of Montreal, transit/trains (Richard--you should check out her Flickr!), and restaurant food. I think her Livejournal is friends only, but if you have an LJ or OpenID account, request to be friended, as it's a great way to keep up with her best stuff. Last year, the municipality of Westmount in Montreal came across her work on Flickr and hired her to do freelance photography for them!

• Elissa's livejournal blog
• Elissa's Flickr

Leslie Biggar

(Photo by Sakura Photography - Vancouver Wedding Photographer)

Leslie is a friend I know through university friends. She is a great photographer, and has been getting more and more into portrait photography. She and her husband Mark recently started a full fledged wedding photography business, though she'd been doing it for quite a while, and I can safely say hers are my favorite wedding photos evar. I kid you not. She has this way of making romantic photos heartbreakingly cute without being cheesy. Also, check out her photoblog for documentation of her and Mark's travels through China and Taiwan. Amazing.

• Leslie's wedding photography business: Sakura Photography
• Leslie's old site: Camereye
• Leslie's photoblog archive
• Sakura Photography's Flickr
• Leslie and Mark's personal Flickr
• Leslie's older Flickr

Gayla Trail

[Gayla has done something sneaky so I can't show you any of her photos...you'll just have to click on the links to her stuff below.]

Okay, so I've never met Gayla in person. But I've known her for quite a long time now. She's the mastermind behind You Grow Girl--the successful and hip gardening website and book for urban green thumbs. I used to help moderate the YGG forums for a few years, and also wrote a plant journal on the site back when she had a bunch of guest writers contributing. But what you might not know is she's also a totally amazing photographer (be sure follow the links from her sites to her partner Davin's work too...), crafter, and graphic and web designer. Basically, Gayla is a superstar.

• You Grow Girl
• Gayla's photoblog: Making Happy
• Gayla and Davin's graphic and webdesign business: Fluffco
• Gayla's online store: Superfantastico
• Make sure you check out her ever popular YGG calendar
• You Grow Girl on Amazon.com
• Gayla's personal Flickr
• Gayla's YGG Flickr

Kelly Gilliam

I met Kelly through You Grow Girl originally, as she was one of the other long time moderator/plant journalers. Actually, to be accurate, I haven't actually met Kelly face to face either, but we have written each other back and forth plenty for me to consider her a friend and kindred spirit. She knits like crazy, gardens, and is a total photography nerd in the best possible way--she is the girl whose bathroom is a darkroom. Maybe that doesn't mean much to you, but to me, it is gold. She has lots of neato cameras too. Kelly has a unique style and is drawn toward subject matter that most people would overlook. For instance, she likes photographing old things in alleys, documenting things that have been left behind. She's also masterminded several rounds of Project Camera Release (see below) the most recent (and I believe not yet completed) one of which I participated in! She sends out a disposable black and white camera through a set list of people, each mails it onto the next taking a predetermined number of shots, and then at the end she prints them up in a little book/zine if she has the time and resources, or at the very least puts them up online. I can't wait to see how this one turns out! Kelly just started her own photography business a few months ago, and may well be (I hope!) moving back to Vancouver soon!

• Kelly's homepage/portfolio
• Project Camera Release
• Article about Kelly in Venus Magazine
• Kelly's Flickr
• Kelly's other Flickr

Emira Mears

I would say that I more officially met Emira through You Grow Girl as she was another one of the plant journalers, but by then I already knew of her from her old blogsite Soapbox Girls which she co-wrote with her partner in crime, Lauren Bacon. She now writes about all things home, design, garden, and food related at her blog, Domicile. She and Lauren started Raised Eyebrow, a webdesign company, in 2000 and in the spirit of full disclosure, as fate would have it, they are now my bosses. The have a book coming out in May geared toward women running their own businesses called The Boss of You, and participated on a panel on the topic at SXSW (there's a podcast of it available too, see below). Emira, as you will be able to tell from her blog and Flickr photos, is an amazing crafter/maker of things and has great taste in fabrics and textiles. I don't know where she finds the time to make all this fabulous stuff, but she is definitely a crafty inspiration!

• Emira's Blog: Domicile
• Emira and Lauren's business blog: Boss Lady
• The Boss of You on Amazon.com (available for pre-order)
• Raised Eyebrow Web Studio
• Soapbox Girls blog archive
• Emira's Profile on the SXSW site
• Podcast of the SXSW Boss Lady panel
• Emira's Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/emira/

Kris Krug

(Photo by Kris Krug)

Known to much of the world as kk+, Kris is someone from the geekery/photography community that I actually met in the summer of 2006 when I was only just sticking a toe into that community. I met Kris in Seattle at DrupalCamp, and I remember a bunch of us going to lunch, and he was sitting across the table, and I was thinking, "Geezuz, who is this guy???" Kris has a style and energy all his own, and as I've gotten to know him, I've discovered him to be very down to earth, and a creative force to be reckoned with. He, along with his friends and coworkers at Raincity Studios, drive a lot of what goes on in the tech community around here, and as if he isn't busy enough, somewhere in there he finds time to co-author the odd book, get his photos published in magazines, and do spots on TV and radio (see below). His side-gig slash hobby could easily be a full-time job on its own--he does photography (mostly in the fashion industry) for companies such as Arson (see their last couple catalogues--posted on his flickr) and also at events such as Fashion week, check out the Static Photography site and his Flickr for photos. Kris is without a doubt one of my favorite photographers, and his portraits are incomparable--he has this knack for being able to capture people in their most natural and raw state, it never ceases to captivate me. Oh yeah, and he might be one of the best and most prolific self-portrait takers that I know too.

• Kris' homepage/blog
• Static Photograhy
• Raincity Studio
• Kris on Wikipedia
• Beyond Robson article
• Interview on The Aesthetic Poetic
• Bit Torrent for Dummies on Amazon.com
• Video of one of Kris' segments on The Lab with Leo Laporte show
• Kris' pre-holiday interview on CBC radio
• Kris' Flickr

Stephanie Vacher

(Photo by Stephanie Vacher)

I met Stephanie this year through...well, I can't recall exactly (maybe Boris?)...but through friends/geekery/photography type stuff. She has been doing the design program at Emily Carr and documenting a lot of it on Flickr and her blog, and she is just generally a super creative person and superb photographer.

• Stephanie's homepage
• Stephanie's blog
• Beyond Robson article
• Stephanie's Flickr

Victoria Potter

(Photo by Victoria Potter)

Finally, I also met Victoria this past year through friends/geekery/photography stuff... Actually, I think we more formally met at a party where neither of us really knew many of the other people there... She takes great photos, especially notable are her polaroids, and blogs about fashion, music, and other stuff.

• Victoria's fashion blog: Demicouture
• Victoria's personal blog: Conjecture+
• Victoria's Flickr

Wow. That took a really long time to write up! If there's anyone or any links that I've missed, please add them in the comments for the world to see! Now if all that isn't inspiring, I don't know what is. I need to get my shit together and do something awesome.

(ps. if anyone is not ok with me having any of this up here, esp. photos, please let me know and i'll take em down. thanks!)