The important things

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6