Maybe I was too cocky thinking that I'd already paid my sickness dues for the year.  I was surely wrong, and after feeling like I was fighting something off for a few days, the telltale signs of the insipid sinus infection, just like what took me down for over a month in the summer.  I went to the doctor right away and started on antibiotics, but damned if it hasn't taken me down anyway.

A week in now, I am still totally wiped out, basically wanting to sleep all day.  I made it into work for a few hours Friday, the first day all week, but it totally wore me out and I've had to skip out on all the fun I was supposed to join in on this weekend trying to rest up for tomorrow.

Tomorrow's the Drupal Christmas social and code sprint for FearlessCity.ca, and I'm just not even entertaining the thought I might have to miss it, so hopefully whoever else is going will see me there tomorrow.  If you're a Drupaller, you should come out! If I manage to make it through just part of the sprint, I'll consider it a success, and either way the awesome developers who are planning to come out are all set up to work on the site and help out a great organization.

Then I just have to worry about making it through the week, and after that I can sleep my way back to health. I refuse to let this drag on like it did in the summer, I just won't have it!

I think I'm usually pretty tough about not letting feeling crappy get me down, and pushing through the ups and downs of day to day stomach ickiness is something I've grown accustomed to, but having to deal with being sick on top of that for a week plus really starts to grate on me.  I'm trying not to let myself go to that place, but it can be really, really tough when there's so much I'd rather be doing than laying around feeling exhausted.

Meh.

Last week I was a real stress case. Things in my life have kind of settled into ups and downs, and that's okay. I am trying to learn to be okay with ups and downs rather than let them make me feel disoriented and lose my footing.

Work was kind of intense, but I'm enjoying it a lot, and hoping that things continue to go well with it as I learn how to do what is needed and become more comfortable with my role.

I got to spend some time being arty midweek, which was nice.

Most of the week I was feeling pretty anxious though, not about anything specific, just kind of everything. It took the better part of the weekend to shake it, but I'm feeling much better tonight after spending a lot of time vegging out Friday and Saturday. And today I spent some time reading at the beach in the beautiful October sunshine, and managed to catch up on boring things like laundry and dishes before the week starts.

I also went on a somewhat spontaneous trip with a friend to see the new show of feminist art, WACK! at the VAG this afternoon. Some of the stuff was kind of weird, of course, but there were also some cool and interesting things, including a few diaries or written pieces I might go back and spend some time reading later on. I love having a pass so I can just pop in there whenever and look at bits of shows and not have to see it all at once. Some of the best money ($60) I spend each year.

I'm trying really hard to get back to some sense of normalcy now that fall is here. Getting back to work helps, though I still need to develop a bit more of a routine. I have my second appointment with the new counselor I started seeing this week. The last time I went to counseling was about five or so years ago when I was in university. I kind of realized I had stopped handling stress so well, and that I needed a little kick in the ass to work through the things that have been going on, and I am so glad that I made the appointment when I did, it was well timed. It just really helps to get a neutral perspective on matters, and get some support with how to deal with everything better.

Hopefully the ups and downs, even if I'm comfortable with them, will start to get a little less extreme and a little less intense. That would be nice. But I think things are on the right path again. More and more, I find myself feeling calmer. It's as if I've rediscovered an old friend I'd lost touch with. Like things in my world are functioning a little more smoothly.

We must risk unlearning all those things that have kept us alive for so long. - Ann Newmarch (Courtesy of WACK!)

It is an ongoing challenge figuring out how to deal with my body's antics in various situations...  I don't know if and when I will ever be able to get it to catch up with my brain (that is when my brain is co-operating...).  Change and stress, whether good or bad, seem to impact my stomach very similarly, which is intensely annoying!  I still get the same adrenaline, nervousness, and anxiety over things that are really exciting and things that are really terrible, which can make any kind of change, no matter how good, a bit stressful.

Yesterday was okay, today was a little worse, I have high hopes for tomorrow, and am planning to actually *gasp* DO things.  Mainly, go for a massage because I'm all sore from sitting around and not doing much for THREE WEEKS (*rolls eyes*), and if I have energy later on, I hope to try and stop by the Drupal BBQ, though I'm not sure how long I'll last...

The last list sucked, so without further ado:

1. The phlegm seems to be going away.
2. I have the time to work on getting healthy again.
3. Even though it doesn't really feel like it right now, I know deep down things will get better.

Just when I started getting excited about everything that was going on, life gave me one more hurdle to jump--I thought I was on the upswing from the flu that I caught a couple weeks ago, but then Thursday night when I walked to the Safeway, I realized something just wasn't right.  It's only six blocks or so, but by the time I got there I was exhausted and felt kind of like I had asthma, but it just wouldn't really go away.  I went into work the next morning, but was still having the same feeling, and knew I had no choice but go to the doctor's.  I headed over there on my lunch break, only to find out that I'd actually developed both a respiratory and sinus infection.  Fun!  I guess sometimes I shouldn't be so tough on myself thinking I'm a wuss for being tired and not getting better fast enough, sometimes it really IS just that I'm not better yet!

So the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics and I called work telling them I wasn't going to make it back in, and headed over to the pharmacy.  My good friends will know how much of a fan of swallowing pills I am, so I was not to thrilled to begin with, but sucked it up and choked down the first dose.  The pamphlet about the antibiotics warned that it tended to irritate people's stomachs, but the pharmacist had said that there weren't really many options, so I just toughed out the bit of discomfort.

It was after I took the second dose later that evening that I all of a sudden started feeling really ill, incredibly nauseous, and crazy stomach pain.  I ended up on the phone with Scott at midnight, sobbing because I thought I was going to throw up and didn't feel good.  Which made me feel like a goon, cause I totally lost it, but it was just one thing after the other, and I was incredibly frustrated and tired.

Eventually I calmed down and went to bed, but when I woke up I still felt nearly as bad as the night before, so Scott came to get me and back to the doctor's office I went.  This time, I got prescribed a medication I had taken before (when I had my wisdom teeth out), but which isn't as strong of an antibiotic.  Scott headed back to work and Parveen and Alex came over to hang out and check up on me. Unfortunately, shortly after I took it, I got this weird itchy bruise rash thing on my hand.  I was kind of just in disbelief by this point, like seriously?! Cut me a fucking break!!!  I called the pharmacy and they told me it was probably an allergic reaction and to go back to the doctor AGAIN.

So Parveen took me back to the doctor...except since I just go to the walk in clinic, I got a crappy doctor who was really snippy with me, and then prescribed me a medication that is similar to one I'm allergic to, which didn't exactly make me feel very comfortable after everything that had already happened.  I was just too freaked, so we went to the clinic near my place to get a second opinion (I rarely go there because it kind of sucks and there's often huge waits), and waited 2 hours to see the doctor, Parveen the star friend that he is toughed out an incredibly long 2 hours by my side.  Luckily, the doctor was actually really good and seemed to know what he was talking about.

He said that the bruise/rash on my hand was not at all what kind of rash you get from the antibiotic I was on and that I could either try a different really strong antibiotic (not so recommended), or just keep taking the stuff I had since he didn't think that's what had bothered me (which is what he was recommending).  So even though I was a little (lot?) nervous about it I decided to stick with the stuff I was taking.  And it seems *knock on wood* that he was right.

My stomach's still feeling rough after that first antibiotic, and just because they are usually pretty tough on it anyway, but I think the infection is starting to clear.  So hopefully that will keep getting better quickly enough.  I'm just totally wiped after all this, and kind of wondering how I'm going to get through this last week of work in one piece.  I feel like I've been pushing myself so hard for the last month or so that I haven't got much push left in me at this point, but I know that I'm actually pretty strong and that I've made it through worse things.

I just have to try and stay calm about it and take one day at a time.  That, and I stocked up on frozen dinners and canned soup so I don't have to cook dinner all week.  Do what ya gotta do, right?

I am going to be so relieved when this week is over and I can just focus on getting my body back in fighting shape, and start to figure out where my new, and might I add more balanced, adventure will take me.