Love

As each challenge in life appears and is confronted, we find ourselves on the other side of it, having either lost or been victorious. Lessons learned, bridges burned, badges earned... We recalibrate, set our compass to a new bearing, and keep moving on to whatever is next. In life and love, I hope and believe that each time we face a challenge, regardless of outcome, if we pay attention and respect the lessons offered, we come out stronger and more in tune with what we need and deserve in the long run.

This is one of my absolute favourite poems, I got it from a gumball machine in Seattle almost 4 years ago.

They are in a dark plum thicket
and she is too far above the ground,
can feel the lift and fall of walking
but is not walking. Beneath her
are the shoulders of a boy
who is willing to carry her for years

but he is unsteady as a shirt
unbuttoned in the wind and she
is like a feather on the surface
of a river with round stones
in its bed. She already knows
he will fall and because she is above
him she will fall further

but that doesn't matter yet, the night
held up all around her
like great bolts of cloth for her choosing

"Before She Decides" by Kelly Madigan Erlandson from Lincoln, Nebraska (originally appeared in Anthology One, Alsop Review Press)

The author of this, Kelly, is a writer and a drug and alcohol counselor in the states. I didn't know that until a couple weeks ago, when after reading the poem many times (it's lived on my corkboard above my desk for years now) it occurred to me to google her name. On a bit of a whim, I sent her an email and she sent me a lovely reply and welcomed me to share the poem here with you all. I hope a few of you enjoy it even a fraction of how much I do.

As I told her, it both reminds me of that trip to Seattle (which ended up being very influential in my eventual move to working with Drupal, as the trip was to attend DrupalCamp Seattle, my first big Drupal event), and says so much about love, independence, suspending better judgment, and the way relationships feel before they start to fall apart.

Weeks like this are tests.  Tests of how much of a load I can bear before I break.  Tests of how much more I can take when I feel like I've long since had enough.  Weeks like this force me to focus on the important things in my life, and be grateful for them.

Three of my favourite people have been in town for a couple months (though it's hardly felt like that long), and are leaving in a week's time.  One returning home, and two continuing on their ongoing adventures.  It is strange caring so much for people whom when they leave, you have no idea when you'll see them again, only that you will.

When I realized it was going to be their last weekend in the city, I couldn't let it go uncelebrated, so I did what I do, which is catalyze.  I said who, what, when, where, and how, and next thing you know everyone is there, and everyone is smiling.  That is the important thing.

Earlier today I didn't think I would be at the dinner, because the last three days I haven't been feeling well.  Who knows why, either I ate something off, or it was a random flareup, what is the difference really?  I was lucky that work wasn't busy this week, and I had time to rest.  I have had a week and a half long bout of insomnia on top of it, reminiscent of my late teens/early 20s that I am not glad to be revisiting, I forgot how draining it is.  And yet, I made it to dinner.

I went home afterwards rather than continuing on with the evening, so that I would have a chance for a better day tomorrow.  Because even when surrounded by people I love, it is just me here at the end of the day, and I have to be able to rely on myself for tomorrow, and all the days after that.

I know it's disappointing for others when I go home early, I know because it's more disappointing for me.  I know I look okay and that it seems like I could stay out, but that is because I am tough, and I hide how bad I'm feeling, and I push myself as hard as I can when I care to, and I put all of the ick on hold for a bit so I can be where I want to be.  So I can do what I want to do.  I push myself hard so that I can feel like this doesn't control me, so that I feel like I am not missing out on everything I would do if this wasn't how things are.

For me, just being there for a bit was good.  It was enough.  Everyone was together and smiling, and then everyone went out and had more fun, and I came home to rest and that is okay.

Days like these, weeks like these, months like these, years like these, I focus on what is important, because that is all there is.

My favourite people in the world, catalyzing smiles, pretty flowers, pretty pictures, music, walks, a cozy bed, a roof over my head, hugs, sunshine, the ocean, compassion, comfort, empathy, love, and being alive.  Those are my important things.  What are yours?

But then I sit down, put some of my thoughts to words
The very second after the thought occurs
And it gives me a second to rest
Relieves what seems to be an insurmountable amount of stress
Piling up at the same rate I shovel it out
Treading water in this world I know nothing about
But never doubt who I am or sell myself short
Of what I'm capable of long as I'm doing what I love
I'll manage, is what I've been taught to my advantage
People trying to bring me down, but they ain't doing no damage
I got my forcefield up with my pen and a pad
Living out each day like it's the best that I've had
And everybody has their reasons
To keep on holding, to keep on believing
And everybody gets the feeling that they really
Could keep on holding on
- DNA6

I don't write too much about dating on here, because lets face it, Vancouver is a small city and everyone knows everyone, and that could just get awkward.  But this is a pretty meta post, so I'm just gonna go for it.

I am done with "dating".

There, I said it.  I've been single for the most part for the last 2.5 years, and at this point I've had my fair share of awkward first dates, and awkward few week to few month long "relationships."  Granted, probably the first 1.5 years of that was that sort of messed up dating where I was still working through everything from the previous relationship and finding myself again.  But the last year and a bit, I have really been in a frame of mind where if I met someone who was also in that place, and we hit it off I could actually see myself being ready for it.

That hasn't happened yet, but in the meantime, I have been meeting new people, testing the waters of what I would call "dating" and keeping an open mind when it comes to different types of people.  Though there have been some great people that I've met, obviously nothing has gotten more serious to a point where I would say someone was actually my "partner" (ugh all these labels are so awkward!).

Anyway, I started feeling like it was just me, that I sucked at dating.  I mean, really this is the first time I've dated to any extent, but it really does feel different than navigating meeting people while in university for instance.  And I started to think about why, and I realized it wasn't me, but dating that sucked!

In school, I feel like because there was such a social vibe all of the time, it was easy to get to know people in a more casual or "friend" context, and actually get a good feel for their personality before even getting to the point where you would consider getting involved on a serious romantic level.  But when I found myself single, in my mid-twenties, living downtown, and working at a small company where I didn't meet a lot of new people, the dynamic was all of a sudden different.

I actually had to put some effort into it if I wanted to stay in touch with new acquaintances or meet people who were outside of my circle of friends.  And it seemed like "dating" was more grown up - that's what you are supposed to do when you're an "adult" right?

But this whole time it just hasn't sat quite right with me.  It has seemed like there is so much pressure, so many expectations, so much miscommunication, so many labels that I haven't been comfortable with.

Then this weekend, a wise friend was the catalyst to my epiphany, which had been brewing for a few weeks but just not quite solidified: I don't believe in "dating."  It doesn't make sense in my world.

There is a reason I used to feel more comfortable getting to know people in school, and why the people I did spend time with were more upfront, honest, and easier to understand.  Why there weren't the same sort of labels, expectations, and assumptions about what spending time together meant.

It was because the first question was always, do I want this person to be my friend?

Friends first sounds cheesy, and can also sound like a lot of effort, but that really is what works.  I want to be able to figure out what someone's about without the pressure of whether or not we're a couple, without having to factor in anyone's expectations of what role their girlfriend is going to fill, and what kind of timeline things will run on.

I'm not saying I'm against having anything physical go on during this getting to know process, and everyone has their own comfort levels and boundaries.  But for me this means not jumping to conclusions: snuggling does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Seeing you a couple times a week does not = I'm your girlfriend.  Calling just to say hi and see how your week was does not = I'm your girlfriend.

For me, that slippery slope of spending time with someone and all of a sudden having to label yourself, so that there is an obvious way you fit into someone's life, is a danger zone.  I believe that it should be a conscious decision, the choice to get into an actual serious, committed "relationship" with someone. And that it shouldn't be done hastily of half-heartedly.

And so, regardless of how grown-up and proper dating is, I am over it.  It doesn't work for me.  It leads to mixed messages, and pressure, and awkwardness.

All I want to do is spend time getting to know people I think are cool, and who feel the same way about me, and if we keep feeling that way once we actually have a grasp on who each other are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then we can talk about what role we want to have in each others' lives.

The labels, I can take em or leave em.  Actions speak louder than words, and they don't mean jack to me.

Sayonara "dating," good riddance to you, I am movin on.