Health

I know it's well past New Years, and that's okay because this is not exactly a post about resolutions, but more a post about the ongoing struggle to be happy with a life I didn't plan, and to figure out how I can turn the life I have into the one I always wanted.  Although I really enjoyed among others, Richard's post of New Years Intentions (rather than making promises to yourself you'll just end up breaking), Karen (see post: Resolved to Improve) had by far the most inspiring new years post for me.  It hit home because it was not the post stating a lofty goal, nor a self-improvement failed on last year, looking to be held accountable for.  Not goals set to impress or to justify.  Instead, she has resolved to work on "constant improvement", and I think that is really the only noble resolution one can make.  Karen picked an area of her life for each month of the year and her goal is to make "change that will stick" in these areas.

I like this idea of constant improvement--only going forward, however small the movement is, is always better than going back or remaining static.  With a near complete wiping clean of the slate as far as my loosely written five year plan, and the forced letting go of many of the short term and long term goals I had set for myself, it has been difficult to know where to go.

Even though I essentially started from scratch nearly a year ago when things started falling apart, I have found a career that I enjoy, and one that I would hazard to say I am good at.  Even though I had to let go of a relationship that I had devoted many years to, I have grown into a stronger, truer version of myself.  Even though there were some dark months, I find myself feeling content and hopeful.  Even though my body challenges me, I am alive and I am as strong as I need to be.  Even though I felt very alone for a time, I feel more supported and loved than I have in years.  Even though I had lost my path, I am cutting a new one as I go and am excited to see where it takes me.

And so, in the spirit of simplifying my life and cutting myself some slack, I am only choosing one area of constant improvement: practicing yes.

I have wasted so much time and energy on needless worry and anxiety, and it has not served me well.  It has not enriched my life, and it has not helped me on my journey through this life.  Note though, that I am also working on taking care of myself, so I don't mean to say that I will be saying yes indiscriminately by any means.  My intention (note, not a resolution!) is to practice saying yes to those things that challenge me and I believe will help free me from the fear and self-judgement that have held me back so many times.

In November, I was asked to be on a segment of a TV show, and I did not reply because of fear.  Even though it was probably much too late, a couple weeks ago, I replied and said yes, leaving it up to the powers that be to decide whether or not it was to be.  I said yes and have chosen to believe that I will do a great job if it ends up working out.

Traveling is hard on my bod and traveling alone kind of scares me, but after a successful solo trip to LA in October, I decided to register for DrupalCon in Boston in March, committed to it before I knew who else was going or how I would manage it.  I said yes and have chosen to have faith that I am strong and can handle whatever challenges arise.

New people have been coming into my life who challenge my beliefs and my usual ways of reading people and relating to them.  I have always been able to get along with a variety of people and consider myself open minded and friendly, but still I can admit I have made snap judgments about people. Instead of dismissing them as people who could only be acquaintances, I am choosing to be open to seeing their strengths and their weaknesses without judgement and base the limits of my relationships on what of themselves they show to me.

Last week, I saw the call for speakers at Northern Voice's opening night dinner, and did not reply because I hate public speaking, and am afraid to put myself out there in front of my peers to speak about things that are personal... maybe too personal.  But when Airdrie contacted me yesterday and asked me to speak, I agreed.  I said yes and have made one more step towards sharing myself openly and believing that what I have to say is significant.

I used to feel pressure or obligation to do things and pushed myself too hard.  I know it is good to push myself some days, but others I have to take care of myself and I am the only one who knows the difference.   So I am going to take better care of myself not only because I have to, but because I want to.  When I say "not today", or ask for a raincheck, it is not because I am saying no to you, it is because I am saying yes to myself.

It may seem small to you, but to me it is an overhaul in the way I approach the world.  And it's a challenge to change something that is so deeply ingrained, even when I know it is right and I know it will only lead to good.  I am going to have to work hard for it.  And I believe it will prove to be worthwhile in ways that at this moment I cannot even predict.

This is the hope that I am going to carry with me, because I know that as I practice yes, sometimes it will be difficult and I will want to go back to what is easy, what is comfortable... if you see me succumbing to the fear, I welcome you to remind me to practice yes or question why I am resistant.  I'm sure I will need reminding.  Either way, it is a commitment to an improvement that I am ready for, and one that is necessary if I am to continue on this journey towards more happiness and fulfillment.

And so, I will practice yes until I live it.  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

As the year comes to an end, I spend this morning trying to psych myself up to go get the blood tests done that were requested nearly two weeks ago.  I should've done it days ago, but two weeks ago I caught this stupid flu, and I still haven't really recovered from it.  At least I had been feeling better in comparison to the spring/summer till this hit me like a ton of bricks, but the fatigue and upset stomach that I haven't been able to shake are not conducive to making a person want to go get a shitload of blood drawn.

Hematology[wikipedia] (Hb, Hct, RBC, WBC, platelets) again.

TSH[wikipedia] (Thyroid) again.

CK[wikipedia]

ESR[wikipedia]

RF[wikipedia]

The first two sets are standard stuff, but the last three test for scary shit that can be wrong, and are the tests I have to have before I go see a rheumatologist in a couple weeks (geez, I hope the tests come back in time...)

I saw an ENT (ear nose and throat doc) a few weeks ago in hopes of trying to figure out why for 75% of the last 10 months I've felt like I'm on a boat, at the worst times to the point where if I'm standing I have to touch something stationary so I don't lose my balance.  All I learned is that it's not my ears, and I've been scheduled for more extensive balance testing and an MRI in the spring at St. Paul's to rule out MS[wikipedia].

The rheumatologist is going to screen me for arthritis[wikipedia] and fibromyalgia[wikipedia], and try and help figure out why most of my body hurts like hell every day, and nothing helps to make it stop hurting.

So that should be a good many vials of blood that get taken today, and since normally anything above three makes me want to pass out and I've been sick for a couple weeks, I'm really not looking forward to it.  I'm just trying to take on one thing at a time with this because when I start thinking about all of the what-if's and results, I really start to freak out a little.  Sure, it might turn out to be just peripheral symptoms to my IBS and a sore body from sitting at a desk all day and a few injuries years ago... but what's going on with my body just isn't normal for someone this age.

Most of the time I truck along and just try to be strong and ignore it all...most of the time I am just used to what is normal for me now, and go on with my regular life.  But some days it just all gets to me dealing with all of this and knowing that it's just me going through it on my own.  I don't like those days.

So if I am randomly a spaz at any point over the next several weeks and months, there is a very good chance that is why.  And in case anyone's wondering what might help, I'll gladly take lots of hugs and snuggles, and cutting me a little slack on the days I can't keep up.

Scott (thankyou!) finally moved my blog off of Wordpress MU (multiuser), so now it's actually at http://westendgirl.ca instead of that just redirecting to the old crazy address (midge.wpmu.hatchwebstudio.com). All the permalinks etc. should work fine, and there's redirects, but you should update your RSS feed to http://westendgirl.ca/feed okay? If you find anything weird otherwise please let me know.

I'd write more, but I'm super chilly and queasy and have to go back to sleeping on the couch. If anyone with a strong immune system wants to come make me tea and take care of me, that'd be great. kthxbye.

This morning my chiropractor said two things to me while I was at my appointment:

"You've lost a lot of weight."

"You're really stressing out about something."

Duh and duh. Seriously, tell me something I didn't know. I lost three pounds (which looks/feels like a lot on someone my size--my 'skinny jeans' are roomy on me right now) cause I've been sick, and I've been stressing about being sick. The prescription: fun and exercise. I'm doing it as much as I can considering I've been sick!!! I mean, I know she's trying to help, but AARRG!

Plus, I think my naturopath is writing me off--I've been getting progressively worse the longer I've been seeing her, which might be totally random, or might be from some of the stuff she's had me on. So yeah, that's really great. Regular doctors don't know what to do, you go to a naturopath, but if they don't know what to do anymore, then what?