DrupalCon

The Backstory

(Note: Some of this first half will be redundant if you're a regular reader.) Somewhere in the midst of being cooped up at home sick for weeks on end this spring, something in me clicked. I stopped caring about not being able to do it all. I don't know if it's so much giving in, or self preservation, or just not needing to beat myself up for things I can't change. Maybe it was survival instinct, or maybe it was being forced to accept the reality of my energy and wellness levels. I'm sure a question my counselor asked me a while back got this all circulating in the back of my mind: "What would happen if you didn't do everything that you want, what then?" My answer at the time: "I feel like if I had to give up doing all these things, that I would cease to exist."

I know, ridiculous. And yet, honest. Of course, if my worst fears came true and I was too sick to do most of the things that make up my current life, somehow I'd adapt. But deep down, I feel like I wouldn't be me without these things.

This particular question had been posed to me during the aftermath flareup of my February evil stomach bug. Prior to getting the flu with cough of doom in April (I know I'm not the only unfortunate soul who got this awful thing and was really ill) and subsequently experiencing two weeks of being more debilitated than I think I'd ever been before. Altogether I lost 8 lbs in 3 months (which was roughly 9% of my bodyweight). This question was posed in the context of going to DrupalCon San Francisco at the end of April, which I was wondering if I should go to at all, even before the cough of doom hit.

After having this question posed to me, I shelved it in the back of my brain, refusing to *really* answer it. As soon as I was starting to feel better, I decided on a whim to fly down to Portland for a long weekend to visit with my cousin, and some other friends there. By the time I woke up the day after arriving, I was feeling really awful, but I chalked it up to a bad sleep at first... By the next day, I was feeling incredibly horrible, and was in no state to fly, but it seemed there wasn't really a way out of it (luckily it was a short flight back home). By the time my uncle had picked me up at the airport and gotten me home, my throat was killing me and I was getting a fever.

And thus commenced the worst flu and cough I think I've ever had. My mom actually ended up coming out and staying with me; I was literally in bed for a solid 10 days, and spent another 5 or so not going anywhere beyond the corner store. My mom went back to Saskatchewan at about that 10 day mark. The 2 week in mark was when I was supposed to go down to SF a few days early, to sight see then go to the Core Dev Summit. At this point I was just starting to feel better, but was still really not well, so I postponed my ticket down a few extra days (with the help of a fellow Drupalcon-goer), as I'd had no voice for about 5 days by then and couldn't even call the airline myself). 

The day before my new departure day, I still didn't feel very well, but I packed anyway. I decided I'd call it in the morning. And to my surprise, I woke up the next day, finally feeling a bit better. So I decided to go for it, I figured I'd go to the airport, and if I still felt ok, I'd check in and get on a plane. And if once I got to SF I felt ok enough, *then* I'd deal with going to the actual conference. One step at a time, even if all I did was rest for a week at the house that I'd rented for a group of us, that'd still be better than not going at all.

With this one step at a time, "anything is enough" mentality, I made my way through the week. I slept in every day, packed some food, and then went to the conference for a few hours. Then I'd come home, nap, have dinner, and hang out at the house with whoever was around. I didn't do a single full day. I didn't go out any of the evenings. I took cabs the entire week instead of riding the streetcar. I didn't really see much of the city, other than the two blocks around the house, and wherever the cabs went.

But did I enjoy myself? Yes.

Did I make myself sicker by going? No.

By the time I left, I felt a ton better than when I'd first gotten there. Despite really only attending a tiny amount of the conference, I managed to catch up with everyone I wanted to at least once. I managed to get to a bit of the Docs sprint and a few BOFs. I got to record a Drupal Voices podcast! I had tons of fun hanging out with my housemates. Sure there were a few moments where I was pretty run down. But overall, it was a positive experience, I didn't feel any worse at the end of it, and I was thrilled I had been able to attend at all, all things considered.

Not doing all of it as intensively as I'd planned to didn't really take as much away from the experience as I'd imagined it would. And I don't think anyone judged me for not being able to do it all. And I think for once, I finally didn't judge myself either.

Despite being nothing like what I had planned, it was all I could have hoped.

What Has Changed

Maybe the same thing will work for life.

Maybe even though it's nothing like what I had planned, it will be all I could have hoped.

A small epiphany... now only to keep applying the lesson. This could mean a real breakthrough for managing traveling less exhaustingly, for not burning myself out with work, or by doing too many things on weekends. Living at a more sustainable pace. Something with which the "Spoon Overcouncil" would be more aligned. Accepting the help when it's offered, and actually believing that I'm not a burden to those who've offered it. That's something new for me too, asking for help. I was forced to do it to get through this spring. At first it made me feel as awful, burdening, and guilty as it always had. But then, I realized what I didn't want to admit: I *needed* help. And the crazier part, people were offering it because they *wanted* to, and helping me when I needed it was not the huge burden that I'd made it out to be.

On the other hand, people continue to question my choices to do *anything* that's taxing on my body. Entertaining the idea that since May of last year, I really do feel crappy most of the time. And that I always feel crappy when I travel. Some people (nice people, who are just wanting the best for me, admittedly) think that hence I shouldn't do such things. But what would that change? 

If I thought putting my life on hold could help make me better, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the reality is that there's nothing I can do that will miraculously make me better. Despite feeling like something has been really off balance since last June, no doctor or specialist I've seen has been able to find anything other than my long standing chronic conditions going on. 

To finally have had a very good doctor who is up to date on chronic inflammatory/auto-immune diseases say to me that my system is really oversensitive and out of control, is an odd comfort. To have him explain that having IBS and this kind of chronic illness *does* relate to having flareups of Fibromyalgia and fatigue (which was something that I had been told before, but then had a differing second opinion on) has been vindicating. This doesn't mean that he can necessarily help; though he says he's going to try, I have learned not to have any expectations in this respect.

But all of this, what it changed in me is it gave me the ability to accept what is. That I am going to be tired a lot, that I am going to feel sick a lot, and most of all, that it doesn't mean I have to stop living my life. I don't need to fight it anymore, that's not actually helping anything. I don't need to feel guilty for not doing things, or feel like I'm not trying hard enough. Something about being so sick, and then actually being fairly incapacitated for a couple weeks made this all ok.

If anything, I'm starting to realize what an amazing thing it is that I do as much as I do, when I am contending with levels of wellness that would keep most people at home. I've gotten used to living like this, but it's NOT easy. It's a struggle. And that's why I don't need to make it any harder on myself. But I also am not going to give up. If I feel just like this every day for the rest of my life, I'm not going to let it stop me from enjoying the things I do decide to use my spoons on.

The small victories have started meaning more. The losses have started meaning less.  Frustrating and sad, yes. Unfair and painful, absolutely.  But when the options are slow or not at all, slow doesn't really seem so bad.

Before we get started, here's some new LCD Soundsystem for your listening enjoyment... (Awesome, SteveK, your tip about just shrinking the height on the YouTube player works!!!)

Much of my thoughts go like an agile retrospective these days... project management is permeating my thinking patterns.

Good

• I made it to DrupalCon San Francisco, and despite being sick and going late, had a great time, and rested lots so I got better and not sicker while I was there.
• Over the flu. After shaking the death cough, my lungs actually feeling better than they have in over a year and a half. My voice is back which makes me very happy, except my high singing range, but I'm sure that will return with a little more time.
• Work is busy. I feel like I am being effective, and like my hard work over the last year and a half is paying off making things run smoothly, having everyone feel self-actualized, having happy clients, and getting to do the kind of work we enjoy.
• I feel more appreciated and at peace in various aspects of my life than I have in a long time. (Ever?)
• Eating lots of good food; I have gained back about 2.5 of the 8.5 pounds I lost since February. Might not seem like much but I was worried it would be even harder to gain anything back.
• Got a crapload of blood tests done last weekend, and they all came back normal. I was getting lots of bruising, but I can safely assume now that it is just from being a bit malnutritioned, and that some steady Vit C intake will fix me up.
• Also, I went back to the old walk-in clinic I used to go to before I started hunting for a GP...Holy I forgot how much better a couple of the docs there are. 
• I've mostly been sleeping a lot better lately, and sleeping/waking earlier than is normal for me. It's felt very odd, but in a good way. I doubt it will last much longer, but it's been nice.
• I have been feeling more relaxed in general. I like this. I'm pretty sure the people around me like it too.
• I have more spoons lately.
• I've been doing a better job at keeping a balance, taking care of myself, asking for help, not being mad at myself for not feeling well.
• Oh, and my Drupal Voices podcast that was recorded at the conference was posted this week!

Bad

• My stomach is still generally feeling awful, more awful than normal, as has been the case since last summer. (Luckily looks like I'm gonna get a referral to a new, hopefully more helpful, GI doc when walk-in doc is back from vacation.)
• My apartment is getting more construction. It makes me crazy. I am househunting. I don't find moving fun.
• My back and neck have been fucking killing me lately. Too much computer and sickness, not enough yoga and off-computer time.
• I ate moldy soy yogurt today. No biggie, just gross.
• I don't have much Drupal Docs mojo right now.
• I really, really miss several beloved friends who are not here.
• Not sure if this is really a "bad" but I'm not sure going to DrupalCon Copenhagen is really going to be the best thing for me right now.

Do differently next time

• Get annual flu shot. It's just not worth getting the flu (I've had it 4 times in 3 years since moving downtown!)
• Not stand for useless and/or rude doctors.
• Not eat suspicious soy yogurt. (I have made this mistake more than once now.)
• Do more yoga! Do more yoga! Do more yoga! When will I learn?

What's that? Oh yes, that is the smell of sweet, sweet VICTORY!!! 

And just like that it's over. It's a small miracle that I actually made it to San Francisco for DrupalCon SF.  As I mentioned before, I caught the flu just over a week and a half before I was supposed to leave for the conference, and was SOOOOO sick. I got a fever, then the worst cough I think I've had since I was a kid.  My mom saved my ass and came out and stayed with me for a week, I hardly left my bed the entire time. She went back to Saskatoon about three days before I was supposed to leave for SF, but I was still pretty sick, and was about 5 days into a week of having lost my voice. Making the con did NOT look promising.

I had to get Ben (thank you again!) to help me change my plane ticket via a crazy Skype conference call (because I couldn't speak), and pushed it to Sunday, hoping that might give me enough time to recoup some energy. Going down Sunday meant missing my day and a half of tourist time, the Core Dev Summit, and the pre-con sprint day. But there was no way I was going anywhere Thursday, so I just had to come to grips with the situation.

Friday I still felt like crap. Saturday, I felt only marginally less crappy, but went out for a walk to test my stamina for possible airport-going the next day. The walk went okay, so I packed. I still wasn't at all sure going to bed Saturday whether I would feel well enough in the morning to go, but Sunday I woke up, didn't feel too terrible, and decided to go for it.

I went to the airport, and found Olly and Ben, who were on the same flight, and off we went!

The house I'd rented (photo c/o SteveK) for a big group of us was FANTASTIC. It was one level of one of those huge old SF houses, up near Alamo Square, and coincidentally the level above us had another group of DrupalCon-goers, including the lovely Katherine (ksenzee). It was a nice bonus sitting on the stoop having a chat the first night there. Over the course of the week, 9 PNW folks stayed at the house off and on, and it was lovely having such a nice home to settle into.

The place worked out great - big kitchen, lots of space, nice neighbourhood - and was conducive to lots of hang out time with everyone. I'm so glad that everyone who managed to stay with us did, as it was great getting some quality time in with some of my favourite geeks who I never get to see enough of. (This is half of the crew at the end of the week - for sure the funniest photo, tho Andy's kinda blocked, click through to see a few more.)

I managed to actually make it to about 3-5hrs of conference each day, which I think is pretty great, all things considered, but generally was way more low key than previous DrupalCons and crashed late afternoon, having to come back to the house for a nap. I didn't get out at all in the evenings to the code lounge, or any of the socials, but had a good time chilling out at the house, and made it to all the keynotes, a few BOF's (birds of a feather sessions, ie. smaller sessions for various niche topics), and a bit of the final Docs sprint. The Drupalchix BOF had an amazing turn out (we counted over a hundred attendees!), and it was great to meet a bunch more of the people I had yet to meet in person.

And of course, what really makes DrupalCon so important to me is getting to reconnect and spent a little quality time with all the awesome friends I've made who are scattered all over the globe (though sadly a few of them were victim of the ash situation over Europe and didn't make it). From the the PNW crew to friends from out East, to others from Europe who I only really see once a year, I can't even explain how much I love you people. You bring me a world of happy, and I feel so incredibly lucky to have found myself part of such a wonderful community and now also call many of you friends.

I arrived home today feeling much better than when I left, and realistically no more worn out than I've been at the end of previous DrupalCons! I still have a bit of residual sick, and certainly have a bit more recouperating to do, but things went as well as I could have possibly  hoped. I am sooooooooo glad I made it.

I want to say a special thank-you to everyone who sent me good vibes, cheered me on, gave me lots of hugs, and had my back making this trip under less than ideal circumstances. All of your offers to help me out if things didn't go well, bring me groceries when I was tired, and generally keep tabs on how I was doing, were what gave me enough peace of mind to take a bit of a risk and travel when I was still in a bit of a sketchy state.

Till next time...

So, as I was saying in my last post, the music in DC at the March Cake & Kisses party at Asylum (footage from that night here put to some Five One music) totally took me by surprise.  It was so, so excellent, and make me thank Katherine for dragging me out that night!  I asked this guy photographing the event who the bands were before leaving, and the flyer he gave me was enough to go on and find the groups that were there on YouTube, which led me to their websites, and so on. FYI for anyone planning on visiting DC or who lives there, Cake & Kisses is on the first Thursday of every month at Asylum in the Adams Morgan area.

We saw two groups, the first one was The Five One.  They have a sort of varied sound, some songs softer and a bit reggae-ish, some a lot more hardcore, but all of it (for those who believe in the "there are only two kinds of music" theory) definitely on the good side.  Luckily for me, they actually have a great internet presence as well so I've been able to dig up a lot of their music.  With their main site, Deuce Day World, a MySpace site, a Facebook fan page, and a Twitter account (@thefiveone), it won't be hard to keep up with their new material.  Oh, and don't let me forget there's tons of stuff on their YouTube account and a bit on Vimeo.

The four band members go by the monikers of Red, Blue, Green, and Gold, and though I'm not sure what the story behind that is, I can say I wish I had taken the time to say hello to these guys when I had the chance.  After making an account on the Deuce Day World site, a couple of them made a point of saying hello, and Gold (who I have unconfirmed suspicions of him being some kind of web guy himself, as there must be someone behind all their web stuff being so good) pointed me in the right direction to dig up mp3s of their "Deuce Burgers" project.  This is a good place to start - they're releasing one every Thursday in 2009, and they're remixed/covers of other songs, and damn are they good!  You can stream them on the site (or on their MySpace), or download the whole set (which I'm assuming gets updated every week).  You can also download individual tracks from the main site, but there's sort of an annoying download interface thing on there, so I'd suggest just downloading the whole set.

My favorites so far (and I have a lot more listening to do) are (in no particular order):

Colors Like Us (Deuce Burgers, or watch their video on Vimeo, cause it's pretty entertaining)
District of Colossus (Deuce Burgers, or video on Vimeo)
Waiting for Her Again (Deuce Burgers)
Somewhere in Boston - I don't know if that's actually the name of the song ??? video on Vimeo (haven't found an mp3 of this one)
Active - have only found this one as video on YouTube so far, not sure if there's an mp3 around

The next group was Mello-D and the Rados, although, I think it may have actually just been Mello-D, I can't recall who else was backing him. This stuff had a lot more jazzy feel to it, and even some sweet sax solos (not unlike this) as well.  Different vibe, but also really enjoyed it.  You can stream music on the main site and they've got some  stuff on their MySpace site, and a Facebook fan page as well.  This is their YouTube page and there's sort of a video mini-documentary primer about the group here that I would highly recommend if you want to get a feel for them.  Here's what appears to be their "hit" video, Still Cool Witchu, and another (older?) one Stupid Jerk. Be sure to check out this one if you're ready to laugh your face off - and it's got a positive message: safe sex!  Be warned, it's graphic!

Mello-D has played with KRS ONE (one of their song collabs is on the MySpace page), and he has toured all over carnation, and I think is actually pretty well known now that I'm doing a little more research on him.  Which makes a lot of sense, actually, because I was thinking to myself at the show, how the hell is this guy not super famous by now???  I guess we were just lucky to have caught the show!

Enough links for you?  Well I'm not quite done yet!!!

While digging up all this stuff, I also came across this site: DC Rap that's got general info and updates about the music scene in DC.

And there were also several other guys at the Cake & Kisses show freestyling, a couple of them (Tyrone Norris aka. Mental Stamina, and Chris Carr aka. Stoney Ashes) make up another group called Rosetta Stoned (and MySpace), who I have yet to really look up much about.  They have some involvment with an art/music group called the Food Chain Collective, there's some YouTube action here and check out Chris Carr - he starts at 2:10 in this vid where he uses the word "mitochondria" in a freestyle.  Awesome!

And last but certainly not least, 40 mins of crazy freestyle in front of the DC Historical Society Museum:  Hip-hop Cinema Cafe Presents Freestyle Cypher Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.  And I would love to know who the rest of the guys in these are, so if anyone can point me in the right direction, would be much appreciated!

There ya go!

(Written yesterday) I'm somewhere over western Alberta right now, on my way back home after spending a week in Washington DC for my second Drupalcon.  Just finished listening to DaveO's latest Postcards from Gravelley Beach, and an episode of White Coat, Black Art, and am onto some Radio 3 now.  Steve M. and (the other) Boris from 80Elements (who we share office space with) are on my flight too - we parted ways with Steve K and Katherine in Toronto, as they had a slightly later flight out than us.  It's fun traveling with people.  It's actually really fun traveling with people who are acquaintances, it only takes a few days for an acquaintance to turn into a new friend.

The conference itself was really great.  Different than last year, when I knew fewer people, and when everything seemed a lot more intense.  Intense because it was more new, but also because I was more of a stress case then.  This year I felt a lot more relaxed.

I went to some really interesting sessions - my favorites (so far, I still have many to watch on video) certainly reflect my PM brain.  At the top of my list are Addi's Documentation talk [video], Angie's session on what's coming up in Drupal 7 [video], the QA talk [video], and Konstantin's session on What's new in web development [video].  The PM BOF was pretty cool too - definitely some conversations to continue online.

I have to also give props to Adrian, who's session on Aegir [video] was extremely well attended and excited people a lot, and also to Audrey who was on a panel about SOLR search [video] and schooled me on distributed search it while she was prepping for the session.  Also, Konstantin, who's a star after, count 'em, FOUR sessions definitely gets an honourable mention for being on the forefront of a lot of cool web technology stuff. (See this page for all posted videos.)

I would say something about Boris' RDF talk [video], but it was at 9am and I slept through it...  I've heard that James Walker's Why I hate Drupal [video] was quite good (also at 9am), though I have yet to watch it.  Oh, and I have to add that meeting Courtney from Floatleft, was great - I think she'll be a joy to work with (again) hopefully in the not too distant future.

The only "party" I went to was on Thursday night.  Poor Katherine had to twist my and Audrey's arms to get us out, but I am so glad she did, as I had a great time!  It was at this odd hipster biker bar, and the most excellent live music.  We stayed through a couple groups - both great.  The event is a regular one Cakes and Kisses held the first Thursday of every month at Asylum in DC, and apparently it was the most well attended one they'd had.  It was a lot of fun... I may have to dig up some more stuff about the groups for another post.

Also a major highlight was the Sprint day on Saturday.  I spent the day at the Documentation Sprint, which was actually great fun.  With some help from Matthew O'Malley, Bruno de Bondt, and Andy Laken, I took on cleaning up and integrating comments on the Troubleshooting page for the WSOD (White Screen of Death).  I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into, as it was quite a mess.  But it's a page that I'm pretty sure gets a lot of use, so I feel like it was a worthy project - I am going to finish rolling in the rest of the comments at some point in the next week or so, and then will have to find someone to review it for technical accuracy before giving it the stamp of approval.

Big thumbs up for all the Doc Sprint "cat herders" and of course to Addi who is full of awesome for being the lead editor and organizer of all things Drupal documentation.  Which reminds me, congrats to Addi on getting one of the Knight Foundation grants!  Some of her grant will fund her being able to travel and do Doc Sprints at DrupalCamps in other cities, so if you think documentation is fun, you should contact her and get her to come hang out!

Aside from the conference, DC was a really fun city to spend a week.  Katherine, Audrey, and I stayed in a basement apartment in one of the old row houses in the Dupont Circle area.  We weren't sure about it the first night, but it ended up being the perfect place to stay - good proximity to the Con, and just a really great little neighbourhood.  Especially with the freakish weather, which started off as a snowstorm the day we arrived, and ended with 3 days of 20C+ weather, it was lovely sitting outside the last couple days and enjoying some fresh air.

Saturday night after the sprint, a bunch of us went out for dinner on one of the patios near our place, and just chilled.  Olly from Squamish was out for the week and made it for dinner before heading out yesterday back home.  Scott and Smath (aka. Sam, who I finally got to meet!), and Rok and Allan from NowPublic were also there.  Finally Boris, and Audrey and Katherine rounded out the bunch.  Steve K. was sleeping at our place, still recovering from the food poisoning/flu he'd gotten the night before, poor guy!

After that, I bid Scott and Smath farewell, hopefully they'll be back in Vancouver in a couple months, and then some of us walked over to the Whitehouse.  By then I was thoroughly exhausted and we headed home for the night.

Sunday we had a final day for sightseeing, and Boris, Katherine, Steve and I went over to Lincoln Memorial, and the Korean and Vietnam war memorials, and took lots of pictures.  After walking around in the crazy heat and humidity, and after a long week, we were all tuckered out and went back to our place and laid low for the rest of the afternoon, mostly computering.  I sat out on the stoop for a while reading in the 20 degree weather, which was really lovely.

Lovely is really the word to describe the week.  Lovely people, a lovely neighbourhood, (mostly) lovely weather...  And even though I felt crappy a couple days, I had a lovely time.  I certainly feel more like I've had a holiday than been at a web development conference, but I guess that's partly the beauty of Drupal.  With that, I should say a ginormous thank-you to the people at Dev Seed, and all the volunteers in DC who made the Con such a success.

All my best photos from the week and the full set are on Flickr.  Hope to see everyone in September, I'll do my darndest to make it!  Till next time...

I could write about all the things that sucked in 2008, but why dwell when on the cusp of a new year?  Instead I'm just going to be thankful for the things that were awesome, and jump wholeheartedly into a new year full of new opportunities.

Things in 2008 that I remember being awesome:

Spring - Highlights definitely revolved around conferences.  Northern Voice in February, where I faced my fear of public speaking for the first time since university, DrupalCon in Boston where I got inspired and met lots of great people, and helping organize Drupal Camp Vancouver which happened in May and was a big success.  All three were lots of fun.

Summer - Lounging at English Bay, going for bike rides on the beach and at Stanley Park, barbeques, the farmer's market, walking around going to art galleries, going to the cabin, and generally kicking around enjoying what was a pretty nice summer weather-wise.  Major highlights were also the brief but enjoyable trip down to Portland with Scott, where we met up with some other friends, and attending my old next-door neighbour's wedding party in Saskatoon, where I got to hang out with a bunch of the kids I grew up with for the first time in years.

Fall - Starting my new job is definitely up there... hmm... not too many fall memories... Halloween at Boris' was really fun.

Winter -  The snow, though not always convenient, was a nice change in pace.  Lots of reading good books, crafting. Friends.  Turned 28.

Overall, I have to say I'm closing out this year appreciating friends, my job, and making slow but steady progress working on my personal health and well-being.  Update: forgot to say, was also very pleased about the progressive wins in the US and Vancouver mayoral elections!

Intentions for 2009:

Mainly, my intentions surround continuing to improve my health and well-being, and also figuring out how to accept my limitations and be unappologetic about them (that might sound easy, but it's proving to be very challenging).  Personal relationships (family and friends) is also high on the list of priorities...interestingly enough, everyone's favorite horoscope site seems to think that will be an area of focus this coming year:

From Free Will Astrology:

Studies suggest that the average person who reaches old age has been upset with some family member or another for a total of 30 years. Is that a standard you'd like to match, Scorpio? If not, you will have an excellent chance to reduce any inclination you might have to hold grudges in 2009. The coming months will bring you ripe opportunities to dissolve tensions between you and your kin. You will also be more skilled than usual at navigating your way with grace and diplomacy through complications involving the home and domestic issues.

I also intend to keep becoming an awesomer (yes, awesomer) project manager and Drupaller and keep making sure I can say (at least on most days!) that I love my job.  From the looks of my horoscope, perhaps with any luck I'll be able to sort out my housing situation (ie. move) as well.

Onward and upward.